Pop star Jezza gets down widja kids

WELL AWRIIGHHT!

Are we all right?

WE'RE AAARIIIGGGHHHHT! YO! WHOOP!

Popular cult leader Jezza was working the crowds at Glastonbury. It would be a good idea to get down widja kids, as his advisers put it.

And so 68-year-old Jeremy took to the stage, and took the microphone, although he was under very strict instructions not to try to sing.

He had got to meet all sorts of interesting artistes of the modern music idiom. He did not know one from the other, so was polite to all, which he would have been anyway.

The adoring crowd held up banners. "We're with you Jeremy," "We love you Jeremy," and that sort of thing.

We're going to cut poverty and stamp out social injustice, he told them. They liked that. They had all paid squillions for their Glastonbury tickets so they knew all about poverty.

As for social injustice, abolishing tuition fees would help, ending the unfairness of the better off having to pay for their university education.

Having done his turn, Jeremy retired backstage to start planning the latest changes to his allotment, as the support act, John McDonnell, went on.

"I have to report a murder," he intoned.

"Somebody has to be held to account."

A sympathetic silence fell. This was serious stuff.

McDonnell did not name the chief suspect but we all know the rough description of the Somebody that Labour sees as the culprit. In coming days there will be an identity parade of current or former Tory politicians who Labour want to carry the can for the tragic deaths of at least 79 people at Grenfell Tower.

Murder is intentional killing, or intentionally causing serious harm which leads to death.

A year ago MP Labour Jo Cox was murdered during the referendum campaign. In the immediate aftermath of her killing a number of politicians went on the airwaves to say that irresponsible use of rhetoric had raised tensions, and called for a higher standard of political debate.

It is difficult to see how Mr McDonnell's accusation that the Grenfell Tower victims were murdered - deliberately killed - by politicians contributes to an elevated level of political discourse.

Murder apart, elsewhere the political police are investigating a disturbing case of kidnapping.

The victim is called Philip Hammond and lives at 11 Downing Street. Tall, slim, and grey-haired, he was last seen wearing a smart suit and carrying a briefcase.

He is known to have access to very large amounts of money, although it is not his own, belonging instead to other people.

There are various theories about who has abducted him. There is even a rumour that Mr Hammond has already agreed to pay a £1 billion ransom to the Democratic Unionist Party.

Videos have become public which raise the possibility that Mr Hammond may have been brainwashed, although those who know him well say he was always receptive to the views being imprinted into his consciousness.

Psychologists have been poring over his on-air statements seeking clues.

One line of inquiry is that Labour has got to him. There is an alternative scenario, and that is that Mr Hammond has been held hostage for months by the Brexit wing of the Conservative Party and that he is now desperately trying to free himself from the shackles by making extraordinary statements.

In one of his broadcasts he declared: "I am confident we can do a Brexit deal that puts jobs and prosperity first; that reassures employers that they will still be able to access the talent they need; that keeps our markets for goods and services and capital open; that achieves early agreement on transitional arrangement so that trade can carry on flowing smoothly and businesses up and down the country can move on with investment decisions that they want to make but that have been on hold since the referendum.

"The British people did not vote to make themselves poorer"

You see, they say, Philip has gone completely crackers. The old Philip, the one they knew until a change overcame him on June 8, would never have dared to say such things.

That was probably because he was under duress then. Close friends say he had worries about his job.

Since June 8, Mr Hammond's job worries appear to have eased.

If the very same words had come from the mouth of Sir Keir Starmer, Brexit spokesman for the Labour Party, nobody would have been surprised. Sir Keir has talked about jobs and the economy being a priority for negotiations.

Consider the following and see if you can tell whether it was Mr Hammond saying it, or Sir Keir: "While it is important to recognise that leaving the EU will involve the end of freedom of movement, the focus for negotiations must be on ensuring that Britain maintains the ability to trade freely with our European partners...

"We are focused on achieving the best possible deal on what will be the defining issue of this Parliament and for many years to come."

If you're struggling, it's Sir Keir.

Anyway, if you see anybody resembling Philip Hammond, feel free to ring 10 Downing Street to report it. But don't be surprised if you are unexpectedly cut off.