A voice said: 'Stop that at once'

Rural affairs editor

writes: Civil liberties' supporters will be wetting their maroon cords in rage at the latest infringement of the right to go about their business without being watched.

Gone are the days when CCTV cameras simply followed your every move; zooming in on women with low-cut tops, watching angry parents belt their kids or tut-tutting from the control room as White Van Man stuck his Ford Transit on a double yellow.

Now the cameras not only watch but bark instructions to those deemed to be harming our society. Thanks to John Reid's attempts to protect our country's shared spaces, those of you who dare venture into the town centre will be instructed and directed with all the panache of Sir Simon Rattle.

How far it will go is anyone's guess. One day it will be "Pick that beer can up you oik and place it in the nearest receptacle"; the next it's "Will the woman in the lilac twinset please note that her salmon pink scarf serves only to detract from the overall appeal of her outfit."

In my world, both would be valid. In fact, given that beer cans can be recycled but fashion sense can't, I'm more likely to applaud the latter.

Being watched has certainly become part of the norm in 21st-century Blighty. There are more than four million operational CCTV cameras, each one feeding into a nerve centre staffed by shaven-headed ex-doormen.

Do I care whether I'm being watched? Not at all. I'm from the school of thought which holds that if you are not doing anything wrong you have no need to worry. It certainly saves on the cord dry-cleaning bill.

The protestors say it is just another case of Big Brother gone mad. Well, if that's so, perhaps we should have cosmetically-enhanced racist Jade Goody barking out the instructions then? If you can get Ozzy Osbourne giving directions on your satnav ("I said turn @!*%@! right you *!!@!!** idiot") then you can get Britain's favourite bigot on a CCTV loop.

The same would work for speed cameras. You could get Murray Walker to scream at offending motorists as they set off the flashbulbs. Something like "You've been naaaaabbed" or "Points, points, points".

Whether cameras bellowing instructions will make any difference to our litter-dropping, gum-spitting, drunken, brawling society is anyone's guess, but it can't hurt. Yes, it might load a few quid onto your annual council tax bill but at least we get something to show for our money.

Perhaps Big Brother won't contain its Orwellian wrath in the urban sprawl. If speed cameras have encroached into our rural idyll there is no reason why talking CCTV shouldn't follow suit.

You could have rotund bird-watcher Bill Oddie or digit-deficient Terry Nutkins reminding walkers about the Country Code, or maybe that posh fellow Ben Fogle urging tractors to pull over and let the mile-long queue of traffic go past, or even John Craven insisting that fly-tippers take their rubbish elsewhere.

Better still, install a camera at the next meeting of Liberty then shout at them to find something better to do with their lives.