Yes, Seven Year Old Child Whom I've Invented Purely for the Purposes of This Review, what about it?
I didn't understand it. I mean, last week's episode ended with a big cliffhanger where the Doctor and loyal companion Amy Pond were facing The Impossible Astronaut – you know, the weird child in a space suit creature thingy who shot and killed The Doctor at the beginning of the show – and Amy fired her gun. This week started three months later with Amy running through Monument Valley before being apparently killed by FBI agent Canton Delaware. Then her husband and fellow Tardis companion Rory Williams was shot dead by Agent Delaware on the Glen Canyon Dam and mysterious old River Song jumped out of a New York skyscraper rather than be shot dead by him, too.
And then it turned out that Agent Delaware's not evil at all and the deaths aren't really deaths but part of a plot to find out more about The Silence, the mysterious parasitic alien race who we can never remember seeing but who date back to the beginning of civilisation, even though they dress like something out of Mad Men and look not dissimilar to the figure in The Scream, the famous 1893 work by the Norwegian expressionist painter Edvard Munch.
You're quite a bright little fellow, aren't you?
Yes, but isn't it really lazy writing to build up to a climax like they did last week and then seem to forget all about it this week? It's like those old Republic serials - which I'm much too young to have even heard about, by the way – such as King of the Rocket Men, where something would happen one week and then they'd rewrite history the next episode in order to get out of a situation which meant certain death. Only this was more like Doctor Who Big Cheese Steven Moffat couldn't write his way out of the situation. So he didn't bother and moved on to something else.
Yes, and it led to a heck of a lot of exposition back in the Tardis, didn't it?
Aye. Look, I've got a northern accent now. Anyway, it seemed The Silence were trying to get the human race to build a space rocket and were behind the Apollo missions, although I wasn't too sure why because everyone spoke really quickly and I couldn't really follow what was going on. And why did they need to get pretend captured by Agent Delaware at all? That didn't make any sense whatsoever. Anyway, there was a lot of running around and some good scary bits with a whole nest of the Silent hanging upside down in a creepy house, like a bat colony. And then they used the moon landing broadcast to expose The Silence and make people want to kill them and everything – which is a bit dark for a 6pm children's telly programme – and then it was all wrapped up within a few minutes and topped off with a shootout where River Song went all Dirty Harry on them. That's a film I'm far too young to have seen, by the way.
Yes, you are.
And it seems that Amy might be up the duff, or she isn't, and River Song looks like she might really be The Doctor's wife, even though their lives are running in opposite directions and he doesn't think he's ever kissed her before.
That's true. But you said you didn't understand something. What didn't you understand?
I didn't understand why I don't think I'm liking it as much as I used to. It seems that Steven Moffatt just lets things happen rather than tell a story. It's all whizz bang and flashy but doesn't really hold together as a plot. If they need to escape from something they just escape because they've made something up. I'm a fictional seven year old, but even I wouldn't come up with some of the 'and in a single bound they were free' guff that we've had to put up with over the past two weeks. Honestly, it's been like watching a trailer sometimes – lots of exciting bits but with no logical story. Why can't they slow it down a bit and let each episode breathe?
And how come Richard Nixon's so nice all of a sudden? Last week, when he said there were no monsters in the White House, I thought that was a very clever ironic joke because you could argue that he was the monster in the White House. But this week he came across as a good bloke.
That's true, actually. He did come across well. But what do you think will happen next week, with the pirates? And who is the little girl who suddenly started regenerating at the end of the episode? Do you think she's Amy's baby from the future? Perhaps she grows up to be River Song in some convoluted timey-wimey way?
To be honest, Daddy, I'm not sure if I really care anymore.
Me too, matey. Me too.