Political column September 6

The scene, a vast conference room, with a huge EU star-spangled flag behind Barnier's desk. At the last minute somebody brings in the Union Jack. They put it by the door (as it's quicker to remove that way).

Enter David Davis, bouncy, confident, full of himself.

"Ah, Michel, how lovely to see you again."

"I do not share your optimism," replies Barnier.

"We need to get down to business, Mr Davis. But first, let's have a drink. What would you like?"

"Oh, a tea please."

"No problem at all, coming up. But I shall have to consult the 27 other members to see if serving tea is acceptable to them. I can let you know in three weeks."

"I'll have coffee then."

After these opening pleasantries, the pair moved on to the important business of The Settlement, The Divorce Bill, or whatever you would like to call it.

"Now, Michel, the United Kingdom is an honourable and responsible country which has always accepted its international legal obligations. How much do you say we owe?"

"No, no Mr Davis. How much do you owe?"

"How much do we owe?"

"How much do you say you owe?"

"Oh, we want you to say how much you say we owe and not for us to say how much we think we know we owe but really don't know."

"You have to tell us first how much you think you owe." (And then, Michel thought to himself, we will treble it.)

Exasperated, Davis says: "Look, if we go into a restaurant we are given a bill. We can argue about the bill, but it is not for us to say what the bill should be."

"This is not a restaurant Mr Davis," Michel retorted indignantly. "This is the EU!"

At this point there was a short adjournment and both returned to their negotiating teams in back rooms to report "progress."

The British team comprised smartly dressed men and women, mostly lawyers, poring through mountains of EU paperwork to pick holes in it and make clever arguments.

As Michel popped in on his team, they were in tee shirts and jeans, lounging around the coffee machine and watching Sky Sports.

"Have they come round yet?" one of them asked Michel.

"Not yet," he responded. "But they will do. The British are just not negotiating seriously. They need to be taught a lesson. What part of the word 'non' do they not understand?"

The EU team went back to the coffee machine.

On the resumption of talks it was clear that things had stalled. Another break, and Mr Davis decided that he would have to call Theresa to report.

"We're not getting anywhere," he wailed. "We need something to break the deadlock."

Theresa listened sympathetically. Then she had an idea.

"The United Kingdom must present a united front at these talks if the EU are to see sense," she said.

"Give Jeremy Corbyn a ring."

It was another of Theresa's brilliant judgment calls. If David could tell Michel that the Government had Jeremy on its side, then he would surely see that he needed to adopt a more flexible approach. United we stand, and all that.

Mr Davis was sceptical, but an order is an order, and he found Mr Corbyn's number in the Islington phone book.

"Jeremy, this is David Davis here. We're in a bit of a hole and you could help."

"Why are you asking me?" said Jeremy.

"Because you're the Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition."

"That is a very old fashioned view, David. We don't work like that any more. I just chair the meetings."

"Fine, fine, but all I need to do is to be able to tell these EU chappies that Labour is totally onside with the Government approach and it might break the deadlock."

"I'm afraid I can't do that," said Jeremy.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know what our policy on Brexit is."

"But it was in your manifesto in the general election. It was more or less the same as our policy. And that was only three months ago."

"It's changed a few times since then. I think Comrade Sir Keir Starmer was changing it again this morning. It's dynamic to meet changing circumstances," said Jeremy, adding a little laugh, as it to himself.

"I'll give you his number."

David rang Sir Keir.

"Sir Keir, I hope I can rely on your support in the Brexit talks, in the British national interest."

There was silence at the other end of the line. Then Sir Keir said slowly: "We're going to take you down."

Mr Davis, who liked his Brexit Bulldog nickname, was now looking more like a bloodhound. Returning to the Brussels conference chamber, he decided to try another tack with his hosts.

"Michel," he smarmed. "We should not get hung up about the process. We should see the bigger picture."

Michel, impatiently: "Show us the money."

Davis: "I think we should remember that the lives of millions of people depend on the outcome of our talks. We must try to do what is best for them and seek imaginative solutions."

Barnier: "We must not let sentiment intrude in these very important discussions. Preserving the integrity of the EU will serve the interests of the people best."

"But Michel," responded David with a mirthless chuckle, "as you said yourself, the clock is ticking."

"Yes, Mr Davis. The clock is ticking. But as they say in Afghanistan: You have the clocks, we have the time."