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Andy Richardson: Heatwave? It’s life, but not as we know it

By Andy Richardson | Weekend | Published:

Breaking News. We can exclusively reveal that the heatwave is set to last for another 113 years.

Heatwave ahead!

The unseasonal temperatures that have transformed the Black Country and Shropshire into Zakynthos – it’s in Greece, geography fans – will continue to bake the arid West Midlands until 2131. The hosepipe ban will be extended indefinately, the River Teme will turn into a bed of dry pebbles and concrete-hard cricket pitches will be dug up and used to fill potholes across our region.

There will be huge changes as life becomes almost unrecognisable for future generations. Our team of crack investigative reporters have been probing the effects of what the impending 113-year heatwave will mean to locals. Here’s what they told us. . .

Shock: The skin-colour of normally pallid, milk-drinking school boys and girls who have grown up on a healthy and traditional West Midlands diet of Kerry Cheesestrings, McBurger Happy Meals and microwavable pizzas will darken to an intense shade of walnut as five generations give up on suntan lotion and wonder around in short shorts and vests.

Yowzer: Canals around Wolverhampton will become Sites of Special Scientific Interest as white-beaked dolphins migrate and make their new home beneath traditional longboats. A new seahorse sanctuary will open at Coseley Swimming Baths while Telford Town Park will become the headquarters for an Indonesian tiger breeding programme.

Kerpow: The traditional amalgam of brambles, stingers and yellow-flowering weeds that many describe as ‘the back garden’ will disappear as palm trees become the region’s new climatic climax vegetation. Pineapple trees will sprout as youngsters from local schools plant the spiky green tops in saucers of water as an experiment – only to find they quickly take root.

There’s Always A Down Side: The traditional Black Country siesta that presently runs from 9am to 5pm will be shortened in line with post-Brexit laws to 3-5pm, meaning people have to work a bit too.

Koppit: Banks’s brewery will close as people give up on beer and Captain Morgan’s Rum will open a new distillery in Whitmore Reans.

Ga-dang-a-dang: Chip shops will be unaffected and will continue to trade, offering Wednesday night deals on kebab meat with shredded lettuce and special sauce. There’s always a silver lining.

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Brexit Shocker: The left-leaning great, great grandchild of Jacob Rees-Mogg, will be elected to Prime Minister and will introduce new laws that re-integrate Britain with Europe. Westley St John Porsche George Michael Heavensent Rees-Mogg, who assumed control of the Labour Party following a close-run leadership contest with the MP for West Bromwich West, Dr Oblong Square, will also tear down a statue of his great, great grandfather, which was erected in Parliament Square in 2020, when Jacob replaced Theresa May as the Conservative Prime Minister.

Halle-halle-lujah: Love Island will continue to screen, taking up a new base on a small island at Swan Pool, off Park Lane, in Sandwell. Beautiful consenting adults will enjoy hanky panky while being filmed for the new special interest channel ITV26.

Holy Moley: Hollywood will relocate to Shrewsbury as producers of multi-million dollar movies release the year-round sun offers them the perfect conditions in which to shoot such films as: Die Hard Darwin; Indiana Jones and the Temple of Darwin; The Lord of The Ring Road; Harry Potter and The Chamber of Darwin and the LGBT Classic Romeo & Darwin.

Delerium Days: Ironing will be outlawed. It’s just too hot.

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Social Me-djah: Twitter will remain the repository of all the funniest jokes as people will say stuff like: ‘Not sure whether hair still wet from the shower or already sweating.’

Oh My Lord: Garment manufacturers will weave the following message into T-shirts worn by men aged 25-plus ‘it’s never so hot that you have to take off your shirt – don’t be that guy’.

So look out, weatherwatchers, things are about to heat up.

It’s not so long ago that the region ground to a shuddering halt as snow fell on Tarmac, rendering the West Midlands incapable of functioning. Flash floods struck in spring as parts of Birmingham and a street in Shrewsbury were immersed beneath six inches of rain water. But now the region is at risk of forest fires following two weeks of heat.

It has become unsafe to leave Jaffa Cakes in hot cars. In an unscientific experiment, a crack writer found that the cheap dark chocolate and ridiculously sweet orange jelly melt, creating a sweet soup. Light, fluffy discs of sponge float in the aforementioned puddle of choc-orange, like croutons in soup. It can be drunk by squeezing the wrapper tightly, rather like an ice pop. Nice.

But I digress. Today is World Cup Quarter Finals Day and I wanted to write about the footb. . .

Andy Richardson

By Andy Richardson
Feature Writer - @andyrichardson1

Feature writer and food critic Andy Richardson interviews celebrities, writes columns and hangs out with chefs for stories that appear across all group titles.

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