Peter Rhodes: An Ark built of what?
Blogger of the Year Peter Rhodes on biblical baloney, NHS paperwork and the perils of flat-pack.
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The thugs who hacked a blogger to death in Bangladesh are described as "religious students." Does murdering an unbeliever count towards their degree?
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Planning ahead. A reader who recently fixed an NHS appointment for August received a "change of appointment letter" this week. The appointment is still on the same date in August, but just five minutes later. As she says: "What a waste of time, effort and NHS funds." Especially as we all know the appointment will be at least five minutes late anyway.
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Flat-pack time again, an exercise in converting 178 pieces of Chinese wood, metal and plastic into one bathside cabinet. It started badly. One end of the box warned sternly: "Do not remove product from this end." The message at the other end snarled: "Do not remove product from this end." In the centre of the box was a third warning that, if you even attempted to remove the product from anywhere but the middle, your warranty would be invalid. The tiny, fiddly drawer sides were helpfully marked L for left and P for, er, not left. After two hours it was all finished, with several blisters, acute cramp, eight bits to spare and a plinth that falls off if you lift it. Conspiracy theorists warn that China may one day assault the West with a massive cyber attack. Frankly, if they want a bruised, exhausted, demoralised and defeated UK, they should just keep sending the flat-packs.
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If Labour's controversial souvenir mug with the logo "Controls on immigration" is not to your taste, there is suddenly a rash of mugs on the market designed to cash in on the crisis (private enterprise – don't you love it?). But my eye was caught by two from the States. One mug declares: "Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery." The other, produced by Native Americans, carries a less enthusiastic message, referring to the arrival of Columbus: "Fighting illegal immigration since 1492."
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The wonder of computers. A new function on my PC calculates the item I have visited most on Google and produces a little box marked "You Love". Apparently I love a 1,000mm length of two-inch diameter aluminium tube (small job in the shed). I must get out more.
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It is a very rare thing for anyone to resign voluntarily from the House of Lords, the best club on London, but for whatever reasons, Lord Ashcroft has done it. His departure releases one bottom-space in that over-packed citadel of hot air where 800 peers pontificate. In a sane system there would be no more than a couple of hundred. Farewell, Lord Ashcroft. One down, another 600 to go.
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FIFA is looking at ways of making football more exciting, including introducing bigger goalmouths. How about shorter goalies?
