Toby Neal on an army of the future, shoplifting statistics and playing hero on public transport
And here they are, the cream of the British Army, on parade to receive the cheers and claps of a grateful public.
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Distinctly wan, and blinking in the unaccustomed sunlight, they shuffle past in their training shoes, their soft, irregular footsteps blending into a faint rumble.
As the Sergeant Major - in tune with modern sensibilities, he makes Sergeant Wilson in Dad's Army look like a martinet - gives a decibel-limited command of "Eyes...up!", they briefly raise their heads from their smartphones to acknowledge the salute given by the generals on the dais, before returning to texting their mates.
This elite unit, operating from frontline British bedrooms, did not get a mention in the Strategic Defence Review unveiled this week. But this is my own SDR, a vision of the future in which these young folk will be recruited in their millions as the saviours of the nation, a cost-effective New Model Army of drone operators, hackers, and cyber attackers who are at the cutting edge of modern warfare.
They probably wouldn't be interested in being given medals, but a Deliveroo subscription might go down well.
For the sake of nostalgia, we might keep a couple of tanks in the same way we still have old artillery pieces to use ceremonially in 21-gun salutes.
