Mark Andrews: Mandelson takes a leak, the problem with Shabana's asylum plan, and why I favour building a town even more horrible than Milton Keynes

In government, New Labour svengali Peter Mandelson had a reputation as being king of the leaks, drip-feeding supposedly secret information to selected journalists to manipulate the news narrative. 

Well it seems the now Lord Mandelson has taken that moniker to a whole new level in his enforced retirement, having been caught on camera emptying his bladder up the garden wall of recruitment tycoon James Reed - you know the bloke who does those infuriating adverts on LBC where he cheerily greets one job applicant after another. 

Apparently Mandy had been enjoying a lads' night in with his old mate, the former chancellor George Osborne, and was caught short after being let down by two separate taxi drivers. 

"I was kept waiting in the street for half an hour, and was bursting," said the Prince of Darkness, explaining his reason for emptying 750ml of 1985 Chateauneuf-du-Pape on Mr Reed's rosebed. Couldn't he have asked Osborne for one of the empties before he left the house? Or done what he spent 11 years telling the rest of us to do, and used public transport?

James Reed and George Osborne for neighbours, Peter Mandelson prowling around in the dark for half an hour seeking the ideal spot for a crafty slash. I know some parts of this neck of the woods have their moments, but aren't you glad you don't live in Notting Hill?

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It's probably better than Forest City, though. The proposed new town on farmland just outside Cambridge, would see 1.5 million people crammed into a labyrinth of wooden tower blocks with trees planted on the roofs. And of course, there will be 'walkable neighbourhoods' and trams to provide connectivity, so nobody will own a car. 

It sounds more hateful than Milton Keynes. But it would also meet the Government's housing targets in one fell swoop, meaning there would no longer be any need to concrete over our own countryside. So I guess I'm in favour. 

The burning question though: will it be finished before the tramline to Dudley?

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Fair play to Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood's plans to crackdown on the rules for asylum seekers, even if making legitimate claimants wait 20 years before they can apply for citizenship seems a little harsh. 

Nevertheless, it is simple mathematics that we can't keep allowing hundreds of thousands of people to settle in this country every year. Last year net migration was estimated at 348,000, bigger than that for the local government areas of Shropshire or Dudley. Or the equivalent of building a new Forest City every four years. 

However, it's one thing having the plan, it's another having the resources to make it work. We all know thousands disappear in to the black economy as it is, so who is going to enforce all these tough new rules? Miss Mahmood talks about moving asylum seekers out of hotels into army barracks, which I'm sure most people will agree is a good idea. But, according to the Government's own figures, 32,000 asylum seekers are living in hotels at the moment. And so far the Government has identified 900 places at two army barracks. There's still a long way to go.