Toby Neal: A handy guide to the monsters of modern society
They are notorious monsters, figures which inspire fear and loathing in equal measure, their ways rejected by all right thinking and moral folk in polite 21st century society.
They look just like you and me, but distinguish themselves by their terrible and unforgivable deeds. So you can see them coming, here is a handy guide to Monsters Of Modern Society.
Okay, he doesn't look like you and me. And a year ago you'd probably not even heard of him. But he is the worst of the lot.
In a shocking episode he left his London home during the height of a pandemic when we were all being told to Stay Home. Some apologetic rot about needing child care.
What sort of weirdo would want to leave London anyway, especially to go up north somewhere?
It's enough to make you hate him. But you probably hate him already, especially if you're in the media or a Remainer. Actually, this is a good opportunity to invite everybody else to hate him too.
Even his neighbours seem to want to have a go at him. Can it really be a coincidence that the former neighbours of his sinister sidekick, "BJ," also objected to having such a figure in their midst?
Fetching up in Durham, DC promptly fell ill with coronavirus, and would probably have infected lots of people had he not self isolated in some lair. Incredibly, he chose to drive 30 miles with suspected dodgy eyesight to prove to himself that he didn't have dodgy eyesight.
As he's done it, everybody else can do it. Ignoring government guidelines because you are a self-selected special case will henceforth be known as "Doing A Dom."
Thousands of coronavirus deaths from now on will be laid at DC's door for setting a bad example.
This story will run and run. Next week: Cummings – The Years Of Shame.
BBC Breaking News: Pressure grows as Rector of Brougham Mountfitchet joins calls for Cummings to resign.
In a crime which left a nation aghast, comedian Seann kissed his dance partner from Strictly Come Dancing.
You wouldn't have known it had not a public spirited photographer captured a grainy late-night shot, ISO 1600, telephoto, that sort of thing.
In a cruel, ungallant, and disrespectful twist, Seann said he did it after having a few drinks. As if you would need a few drinks before kissing Katya!
It gets worse. He had a partner and she was married to another of the dancers.
Call this comedy, Seann? He defiled the sanctums of Strictly. Curse him. Viewers didn't think it was funny at all.
His dance partner later split from her husband, but not, they said, specifically because of what Seann did. It can't have helped though, can it?
That year there were nearly 100,000 divorces in England and Wales.
Seann Walsh should resign! From something.
Was part of a shameful period in the history of the Labour Party, when they were elected three times in a row, and embraced divisive "we're all middle class now" policies.
A constant embarrassment to the modern party and an attempt to expunge his memory by electing Jeremy Corbyn as leader has only been partly successful.
Blair preyed on the gullible and those lacking critical faculties, like MPs, who innocently swallowed everything he said during the Iraq war without question.
You would never believe that people voted for him in their millions. It's still not too late to hold them all to account
The Dominic Cummings of his day and like Dominic Cummings, this man was nasty to journalists and was a spinmeister extraordinaire. Deserves everything thrown at him.
A generation continues to shudder at the mere mention of him. Long passed on, he was the big daddy of all modern monsters.
Behind his godly image he was besmirching the good name of showbiz relationships by having an affair with an actress who was 30 years younger than himself.
Had a famous daughter called Paula. Well, Paula thought he had a daughter called Paula.
Behind a veneer of championing Victorian values and affected foppdom, he's really a thug who rudely lies on green benches and makes out-of-turn comments about Grenfell victims.
He probably wants to corrupt the young generation by getting them to read books, and has imposed inhuman names on his own children.
Albet and Daphne Birtwistle of Acacia Avenue
You total idiots! This daft pair thought they would take advantage of the sunshine by going to Barmouth.
And they weren't even taking the drive to test their eyesight. The Welsh police stopped that little game and gave them a flea in their ear.
After all this time, you would have thought they had got the simple messages: Stay Home. *** Off Home.
"The British must be taught a lesson." Say no more.
Charles and Camilla
No, don't think you've got away with it. I'm on a roll, but have just run out of room.