Political column December 13

At this there were some tears amid the cheers and enthusiastic waving of order papers, to which Theresa May responded by blowing kisses to the Labour benches and Tory benches alike as she headed towards the door to a standing ovation.

Oh all right, Prime Minister's Questions wasn't quite like that. In fact, it was nothing like that.

This is, after all, Theresa May. She is from the comic book super hero mould, indestructible, unmovable, invincible.

If she was a comic book character, she would be PM Plod. Suffering terrible blows, and as everything crashes around her, she plods on. Her catchphrase would be: "To plod is my duty."

At her lowest and weakest point, with her leadership on the line, she was pitched into the bearpit to face a packed Commons chamber. And here's the extraordinary thing. She seemed to enjoy it.

Jeremy Corbyn chose not to ask questions on universal credit on this occasion. Instead he was carrying a big stake to drive through the heart of Theresa May's premiership.

We know it was a really big stake because his performance sagged under the weight of bearing it.

Perhaps it was because he had a sneaking sympathy for her. After all, he knows what it's like to stand in front of MPs from your own party who have lost confidence in you.

He berated her for failing to put the "meaningful vote" to an actual vote.

"The Prime Minister and her Government have already been found to be in contempt of Parliament. Her behaviour today is just contemptuous of this Parliament and of this process," he stormed, appearing genuinely angry.

PM Plod merely smiled and shook her head.

"The Prime Minister's appalling behaviour needs to be held to account by this House as the people of this country are more and more concerned at the ongoing chaos at the centre of her Government."

An unabashed May summarised Labour's own policy as "No plan, no clue, no Brexit."

She went on: "We all know from the multiplicity of changes in plan we have seen from the Labour party there is one thing we can be sure about, that whatever u-turn comes next in Labour's policy he will send out his henchman to reveal it all to the world – The Inconstant Gardener."

There was laughter, and PM Plod seemed very pleased with herself, smiling as if to say "jolly good joke, wasn't it?"

Frankly, it went over my head, and some MPs looked bewildered too. Mr Corbyn didn't see the joke either and sat unsmiling.

"Somebody will explain it to the Leader of the Opposition a bit later," said Mrs May.

There is a book and a movie called The Constant Gardener. Mr Corbyn has an allotment. Maybe it was something to do with that.

Alternatively, looking on the internet there's a theory that she was punning on the name of Labour's Barry Gardiner, the shadow international trade secretary.

When she sat down, there were hear-hears and cries of "more" from the Tory benches. They were sounds which must have been anything but music to the ears of all those who have sent in those no confidence letters.

Come to think of it, where were they? Not a peep was heard of them during the session.

After the party leader Punch & Judy show, we had the questions from the backbenches, and when Ken Clarke rose you could hear a pin drop because whether you agree with him or not, he is a politician of substance and someone worth listening to.

"At a time of grave national crisis on a issue we all agree is of huge importance to future generations, can my Right Honourable Friend think of anything more unhelpful, irrelevant and irresponsible than for the Conservative Party to embark on weeks of a Conservative leadership election?" he asked.

Loud hear-hears.

In reply, Mrs May pointed out that a new Tory leader would have to extend or rescind Article 50, which would mean either delaying or stopping Brexit.

Her message was clear. Stick with me. And let's plod on together.