Peter Rhodes: Let's rebrand steel

THE 1968 Tom Jones hit, Delilah, a popular rugby anthem in Wales, is under fire for allegedly glorifying violence with the line: "I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more." The Rhondda MP Chris Bryant explains: "That song is about the murder of a prostitute. . . .there are thousands of other songs we could sing." The prospect of a ban alarms those of us in the ukulele fraternity. Delilah, with its sweeping chorus and simple chord changes, is a favourite for us old pluckers. It occurs to me that changing a single word would solve the problem. What the character in the song needs to feel in his hand is not a knife but some non-lethal device that would stop Delilah laughing. All together now: "I felt the gobstopper in my hand . . . ." I am sure you can do better.

THE TV tributes to Ronnie Corbett naturally featured his performances from The Two Ronnies. But many of us will cherish his brilliantly out-of-character 2006 cameo in the Ricky Gervais series, Extras. The hugely respected comedian is caught dealing drugs in the toilets at a Bafta ceremony and is nicked with the wonderful line: "Corbett. It's always bloody Corbett."

AS the Port Talbot crisis deepens, isn't it a pity we can't rebrand steel production as agriculture? It would then qualify for all sorts of EU grants. Some of us recall the simmering fury of industrial England during the closure of pits and foundries in the 1980s. At the same time, thousands of farmers from Athens to Aberdeen were being showered with money from Brussels. Some were paid tens of thousands of pounds not to farm certain areas of land, and the bigger the farm, the more money you got. Millionaire landowners have done very nicely out of the EU. We have had plenty of set-aside fields supported by taxpayers, but where are the set-aside coal mines, furnaces and steelworks?

MEANWHILE, radio and TV presenters struggle with the pronunciation of Port Talbot, giving us everything from Port Tolbot to P'Talbatt. When it comes to that other great steel town, the idea seems to be to make the second syllable as silent as possible. Redcar becomes Redcuh.

I WOULD like to wish The New Day, Britain's new daily newspaper, a prosperous future. But a friend who is a newsagent reports glumly: "Every day five come in and five go back."

CROOKS have reportedly targeted 11 million pensioners, trying to part them from their lump sums by the offer of high interest rates. Some of these telephone muggers and online scum claim to be approved by an official watchdog or government department. I am reminded of a call I had some weeks ago from a dodgy geezer who claimed he was "regulated by the Ministry of Justice." In a rare moment of brilliance I replied: "Well, so am I. Isn't everybody?" After some bluster he hung up.

AFTER my recent thread on people named after famous battles, a reader wonders how many 2016 babies will be called Brexit.