A better class of snake oil: Toby Neal on Starmer's conference speech

And, as the great Yogi Berra said, when you come to a fork in the road you should take it.

But let me warn you about those who speak the language of division and run our country down.

Through 14 years of Tory chaos did you ever hear me talking about the economy being trashed, or public institutions being broken or in decline?

Now we are fixing the foundations. Reset, rebuild, renew, reform - but the latter definitely with a lower case initial.

A Britain for all. A flag reclaimed from the bigots. Why, look, even in the conference hall I've got cabinet ministers to wave Union Jacks like schoolchildren at a royal visit. That's because we are a party of patriots, even though I pronounce it paytriots like the Americans do despite the traditional English pronunciation being patriot, although both ways are acceptable these days.

I can sense that a few dinosaurs in the hall are still waving the red flag in their heads, but this is a new Labour Party, looking forward to the future, and not back to the past. The past is history. The future is in the future.

In taking a path on the road to a better Britain, we must turn our back on the snake oil merchants.

And here I will pause for an ad break.

Wild Enriched Snake Oil, 6oz bottle. Promotes hair growth. Stops thinning. Repairs dry and damaged hair. Conditions & nourishes. Available for £4.99 on the internet, plus £3.99 delivery.

(Speech resumes).

Not that I need snake oil myself, conference (ripple of laughter in the hall).

But let's go back to those bigots. Some, like that highly regarded scholar of the 1930s and 1940s period, my colleague and deputy David Lammy, D.O.B. 1972, might call them out as Nazis. Let's be clear, I am not myself calling them Nazis and racists, I am just implying it in a very clever, lawyerly way.

You don't get to be the most important lawyer in the land by just being clever. You have to be clever-clever, even if I say so myself.

Nor am I saying that those being seduced and misled by their snake oil selling pitch are thick Brexiteers with a hair problem, or even problem Brexiteers with thick hair.

I went to Leeds University, so I understand northerners. They are decent, ordinary Britons. And they deserve better snake oil - snake oil from politicians they can trust.

They have been led astray by those who are "prejudiced against or antagonistic towards a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group". That's the very definition of bigotry. When has that ever been part of our politics? 

It is the fault of the lying, cheating, incompetent Tories that Reform, led by Britain-hating Nigel Farage with his dangerous ideas, have come to the fore, dragging down the tone of public debate.

They are the enemy within, a threat to everything decent, good, holy, and moral, and I will definitely not be adopting any of their policies to try to grub up more votes, for the time being at least.

Conference, we came into office promising change to the British people. It has not been easy, because things have changed since we came into office.

You ask why Rachel Reeves is looking so miserable again. You'll find out in the Budget.

So I call on you to join with me in waving the flag, onward together, with hope and optimism and opportunity and patriotism, which is the identity I have chosen this week as your leader. I'll have another identity next week depending on circumstances.

(Wild applause, standing ovation).

Tannoy announcement: Labour Conference next year will be held at Burnham-on-Sea.

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There's a story about Dame Julie Andrews, who turned 90 this week, that she once sang, as a young starlet, at the old Coalport Village Hall - or possibly Madeley - having been booked by local businessman Gordon Dickins.

The tale was confirmed by his grandson. It would be fascinating to hear the memories of anybody who was there or at any other local appearances.