Shropshire Star

Peter Rhodes on missing valuables, naming a giraffe and measuring a woman's mood in rock buns

Following a complete new audit of rare and missing items allegedly stolen from the vaults of the British Museum, police are now searching for the Rosetta Stolen, the Sutton Hoodunnit Hoard and the Allgone Marbles.

Giraffes drinking – ludicrous

How much aggression, if any, does the average British woman work off in the simple act of baking? I was struck by a remark from the deliciously uptight Robina (Lesley Manville) in the BBC war drama, World on Fire. She declares starchily: “Every rock bun at the WI bears testimony to a woman's rage.” Is that just a clever line or does it speak some deep truth about the female condition?

For economy and simple fun, few of the much-hyped one-liner jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe compare with this from a reader's query about his home insurance: “If my roof blows off, am I covered?”

Spanish for beginners. If you are a football official planting an uninvited and unwelcome kiss on the lips of a female player, the correct response is not “No voy a renunciar” (“I will not resign.”) It is “Voy a gey mi abrigo" which translates roughly as “I'll get me coat.”

In these politically correct times it was inevitable that the four names suggested for the world's only plain-brown giraffe, born in a zoo in Tennessee, should all be Swahili.

However, two of the monikers, shortlisted in a naming competition, are variations on “beautiful,” which strikes me as a tad lookist. The other two names mean “unusual” or “unique” which, as any woke person will tell you, exposes the poor little giraffe to the crimes of othering, exclusionism and elitism. It also strikes me that, in having a plain brown coat rather than proper giraffe markings, this creature may be culturally appropriating the appearance of a horse. I'm dismayed, too, that the giraffe is referred to as “she” by zoo staff, thus denying the giraffe the chance to self-identify in his/her/its own good time. Isn't this fun?

I was toying with launching The Campaign for the Dignity of Giraffes but they don't really help themselves, do they? Have you ever seen a giraffe drinking? Ludicrous.