Mark Andrews – roll up for the Liz Truss comeback tour, Mr Bean rides again, and why trees are now part of our colonial legacy
If you could be granted three wishes, what would they be?
Come on, be honest, we're all friends here. The thing you really crave is a comeback by Liz Truss.
So you will doubtless be delighted to hear that the 49-day prime minister has launched a new group called Popular Conservatives.
You may recall that it was during her mayfly-like tenure in No. 10 that the Conservatives' poll ratings plummeted through the floor, never to recover. One poll during her blink-or-you-miss-it premiership showed that 71 per cent thought she was doing badly, and 11 per cent reckoned she was doing a good job.
There are lots of words that could be used to describe Liz Truss. But 'popular', I would suggest, is not one of them.
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There is much alarm in Westminster about why sales of electric cars have fallen off a cliff in recent months.
One argument might be that, having lived with them for a few years, many owners have concluded that they aren't all they're cracked up to be. Yes, they may have lower running costs compared to petrol or diesel cars, but not enough to justify the initial extra cost of buying them. Their inability to manage long journeys without a pit-stop, and anecdotal reports of people having to wrap up like an Eskimo while driving in winter because they're scared to put the heater on, don't really help the cause. And that's before we get to the reports of them spontaneously combusting in public car parks.
But anyway, a pressure group known as the Green Alliance has told the House of Lords that the real culprit is Mr Bean. Last year, comedy actor Rowan Atkinson wrote a column in The Guardian saying he was less than impressed by his electric car.
Makes sense to me. I mean, the first thing I think of when choosing a car is what a past-his-prime comedian would think of it.
Which probably explains why everyone is now ditching their Teslas to buy lime-green Minis with padlocks on the doors.
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Meanwhile, Mr Bean tribute act Ed Miliband has backed down on his threat to resign from the shadow cabinet over Labour's U-turn on its £28 billion-a-year green pledge. Phew, I was worried about that one.
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A Dudley Council website offering one-off payments to people struggling with the cost of living closed after one hour after being inundated with applications,
Whoever thought it was a good idea to invite applications over the internet? Surely those who can afford the internet should be at the back of the queue.
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The British countryside is the result of 'racist colonial legacies' which have created an environment some fear is 'dominated by white people'. At least that's what an organisation called Wildlife and Countryside Link, says. Personally speaking, I thought it was more about grass, trees, and a bit of agriculture.
It doesn't come as a huge surprise that Wildlife and Countryside Link is an umbrella bureaucracy, in receipt of taxpayer-funding through a quango called Natural England, and its members include the RSPCA, WWF and, the National Trust, obvs.
Where do they find these people? Is there any subject in the world which is not about Britain's colonial legacy? I can't help but that the people these fanatics claim to support must be tearing their hair out when they hear this nonsense.