Political column march 1

Thanks to round-the-clock surveillance and hi-tech eavesdropping techniques I have discovered that Jeremy Corbyn is a bit of a Lefty who is plotting to bring down the government.

The last piece in the evidential jigsaw came last Sunday when I got a tip-off about a clandestine meeting at an allotment at Mill Hill.

Here is my blow-by-blow dossier and transcript based on observations from my hiding place in a nearby compost bin.

11.30am: Jeremy Corbyn (Labour, Islington North) spotted in his potting shed.

11.37am: A car draws up and two shadowy figures get out. Advanced facial recognition techniques reveal that one of them is shadow Brexit secretary Sir Keir Starmer (Labour, Holborn & St Pancras), and that the other is the shadow foreign secretary Emily Thornberry (Labour, Islington South & Finsbury). Both are in obvious disguise.

They had been told that the meeting would be out in the country. Unsure of what country people wear, Sir Keir has done some research on the internet. He is dressed in a rustic smock frock. In one hand he is carrying a pitchfork and in the other he is carrying a briefcase.

Emily has drawn on her own research and is dressed as a member of the Women's Land Army.

11.41am: The pair arrive at the potting shed and knock on the door. "Don't move! I've got you covered with my dibble! What's the password?" cries Jeremy.

"Artichokes!" guesses Sir Keir. "Carrots!" ventures Emily.

"Comrade Starmer! Comrade Thornberry! Good to see you," says Jeremy, who has forgotten what the password was, if there ever was one. "Where's John?" "John will be along in a minute," says Emily.

11.42am: Jeremy emerges from the potting shed. "Have you got it?" he asks conspiratorially. "Yes, it's here," says Sir Keir.

11.43am: Sir Keir reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a thick bundle of papers. From my secret vantage point, and using high powered binoculars with image stabilisation, I can make out the heading, typed in red (what else?) ink: PLOT TO BRING DOWN THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT.

JC: "Excellent work, Comrade Starmer." He starts looking through the document as if studying it, but in fact is wondering whether it is too early in the year to plant his runner beans.

ET: "It's all in there. Once Labour demands that we stay in a customs union, Prime Minister May is politically dead. Our agents in Westminster are poised and waiting for the signal, aided by Tory collaborators."

JC: "This customs union thing. Doesn't that mean that capitalist British bosses will continue exploiting impoverished East European workers by giving them pay and conditions that no British workers would accept? Is John going to be long?"

SKS: "Not at all, Comrade Corbyn. I think you are thinking about free movement. Our plan will be for something entirely different - easy movement."

11.49am: Jeremy strokes his beard thoughtfully. "Will there be any casualties?" "Oh, we hope so - lots of Tory MPs. The Commons will be ours!" reassures Emily.

JC: "And what about Article 106?" Sir Keir and Emily look nervous. "Er, surely you mean Article 50, Comrade Corbyn?" "No, no, somebody was telling me about an Article 106. Something about EU free competition rules which would stop us nationalising the railways. Is John here yet? I could really do with speaking to him."

Sir Keir: "I shouldn't worry about that, Comrade Corbyn. It is disinformation spread by our ideological enemies."

11.55am: Another car pulls up. No need for facial recognition this time. It's John McDonnell without any disguise. He has the appearance and demeanour of an undertaker in a hurry.

11.58am: John arrives at the potting shed somewhat breathless. "Sorry I'm late," he says. "I hope I haven't missed anything."

"Nooo, nooo, nothing at all," chorus Sir Keir and Emily, shaking their heads in unison. "In fact, we've just finished."

The gathering then go their separate ways.

The last footage on the surveillance tape shows Sir Keir Starmer and Emily Thornberry chortling - and giving each other a high five as they get to their car.