Was Labour triumph a springboard or a blind alley?

Professor Blatherton-Haugh has done a dissertation about the general election of June 2017 and as he knew I'd be interested in how these things are perceived in future, has sent me a copy through a time portal - they will be available in shops soon.

Here it is:

"The June 2017 general election in the so-called United Kingdom was held in the Second Elizabethan Age, an era of unparalleled savagery, slavery, prejudice and discrimination.

"Large numbers of animals were slaughtered daily for 'meat', and dogs and cats were enslaved, euphemistically being called 'pets.' Criminals were locked up for years on end, no medicines having yet been developed to cure them.

"People were cruelly forced to live and work into increasing old age and poverty, whereas in these more enlightened days on their 40th birthday they are taken free of charge to community recycling centres and humanely reprocessed.

"The election was a plebiscite to elect humans to a legislative body called Parliament which sat in London in the days before London gained full independence from the rest of the United Kingdom.

"Animals, despite having a major stake in the outcome, were denied the vote - devices which enabled animals to communicate with humans, or 'dumb humans' as they called them among themselves, were still years away. Folk in the 21st century would be amazed to learn that in the 42nd century we would have an elephant as foreign secretary and a golden retriever as culture minister.

"As a backdrop, humans of the UK had voted in 2016 to leave the European Union, an international protection racket with its headquarters in Brussels. Negotiations for the departure, dubbed 'Brexit,' were due in 2017. I have tried to discover the name of the British Prime Minister at this time but having looked in the Conservative Party archives have found all trace of erased. In any event, the office holder was fairly short lived.

"Leading the Labour Party was the infamous cult figure known as Chairman Corbyn who whipped up mass hysteria among the young (or middle aged, as we call them now) despite being 68 years of age - and that is not a misprint.

"The Prime Minister called the election over Brexit despite the Conservatives and Labour having policies that were virtually identical on the issue, only the 'tone' being different.

"During the campaign the Prime Minister dropped a clanger with a policy which meant the old would have to sell their homes to pay for their care. It sparked shock and outrage. The policy was dropped, but too late. And the existing system - where the old had to sell their homes to pay for their care - was retained.

"The election result was a disaster and humiliation for the Prime Minister with the Tory Party losing its overall majority.

"Then, as now, Britons loved to see high-ups falling flat on their faces. The ridicule and enjoyment at this pratfall was great.

"As for Labour, I shall freely adapt a line from that ancient scribe, Kipling - 'and treat triumph and disaster just the same...'

"Despite a huge increase in their vote share, and allegedly mobilising the vote of the so-called young, Labour was still 64 seats short of gaining power. Furthermore, it was stuck with Chairman Corbyn, who was considered a rubbish leader by almost all his Members of Parliament, who now had to pretend that they supported 'left wing' policies which everybody had thought had been killed off in the 20th century.

"In the weeks that followed, the government limped on, trying to survive from vote to vote. The Brexit negotiations faltered. The European Union was in no hurry. It took three months to even agree a timetable, and every meeting began with a long argument over whether scones or croissants should be served in the breaks.

"Finally things came to a head when the unions called a transport strike which meant MPs from Northern Ireland could not get to London to prop up the government in a snap no confidence vote. And so was called the second general election of 2017.

"In a pre-emptive strike, the Prime Minister was pushed under a bus by members of the party, while Labour MPs tried to do the same to Chairman Corbyn, disguising the push as a slap on the back for 'good old Jeremy.' The plot failed when the bus refused to run him over.

"Labour thought the election result was a springboard, but it proved to be one of the greatest blind alleys in political history.

"Meanwhile, leaderless and rudderless, the Conservative Party needed a new hero with a proven record of whipping up the crowds Corbyn-style, and who could be strong in the Brexit talks. The obvious favourite was a court jester character called Boris Johnson. But he mysteriously disappeared while taking a walk by a canal with Michael Gove.

"By now absolutely desperate, they did eventually find someone. But the notorious Reign of Nigel is outside the scope of this dissertation."