He must make a full apology, his column must be immediately suspended from the Sun, and he should be sacked forthwith from Millionaire before being summoned to an appearance before a specially selected committee of MPs to explain his terrible conduct.
After that he should be forced to drive a Trabant for a week before being handed over to the modern generation of Top Gear presenters who will ceremonially stuff him with vegetables grown on his farm to rhythmic chants of "up yours Jeremy!", then taken in chains in a tumbril for a journey to Tower Hill, being pelted along the way with his own books smeared in hummus, to be hung, drawn and quartered, while simultaneously being burned at the stake, before what is left of him is run over by a steamroller driven by Piers Morgan.
His remains should be boiled in tar and hung in a gibbet in the foyer of the Sun for six months as a ghastly warning before finally being cut down, dessicated, flavoured and seasoned, and fed to the mice at the Extinction Rebellion offices.
And after that may I wish IPSO (go online for contact details) a very busy Christmas.
As it's near the end of the year, here is my selection of memorable quotes from 2022:
"Surround yourself with people whose eyes light up when they see you come in; the top of one mountain is the bottom of the next, so keep climbing; slowly is the fastest way to get to where you want to be." Strictly winner Hamza Yassin, who was quoting advice from his choreographer Andre Du Shields.
"Hope is better than despair." Steven Spielberg.
"Them's the breaks." Boris Johnson in his resignation speech.
"The Queen's doctors are concerned for Her Majesty's health and have recommended she remain under medical supervision." Buckingham Palace, September 8. The Queen died a few hours later.
"We will not attack, strike, 'invade' – whatever – Ukraine." Russia's deputy foreign minister Sergey Ryabkov, January 19, in a lie maintained by Moscow repeatedly up until the actual invasion.
"I need ammunition, not a ride." Attributed to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky after the US offered to evacuate him.
"Russian warship, go **** yourself." Response by an Ukrainian defender on Snake Island to a Russian demand to surrender.
"Jackie, are you here? Where's Jackie? She must not be here." Joe Biden, forgetting that Congresswoman Jackie Walorski had died in a car crash a few weeks previously.
"Growth, growth, growth." Liz Truss who is gone, gone, gone.
“If I gave you the choice of booting Rishi Sunak out of the Treasury, or Boris Johnson out of Number 10, which one would you choose?” Multiple choice question by presenter Evan Davis to a Tory MP on BBC Radio 4's PM programme.
The other day I watched My Fair Lady for the first time. Before it started playing one of those warnings came up saying there was "mild smoking" and "mild swearing," by which I think they must have meant "bloody" and "damn."
I got through the experience and consider myself now sufficiently steeled to watch The Sound Of Music with its "scenes of peril."
Having been given one of those all-singing and all-dancing watches a couple of Christmases ago, I noticed with interest the changes to the lighting up times in the run up to the shortest day, and was struck by an anomaly.
It was getting lighter later and darker earlier until, about December 16, it told me sunset was at 3.54pm. I wondered if it would get below 3.50pm before the shortest day on December 21.
To my surprise it started going in the opposite direction, to 3.55pm and then on Wednesday, the shortest day, 3.56pm, although it was recording later and later sunrises.
Is this true – is the earliest sunset actually a few days before the shortest day? Or is it all down to my watch?
And another thing. Taking the mutts for their walk in our local woods during that freezing week I heard a woodpecker drumming.
I know it will be months before we hear cuckoos, but is it normal for woodpeckers to drum in December?