Mark Andrews: Never mind the Ruskies, it's the robots that worry me. And why Nigel Farage was wrong about Alf Garnett.

Did you get anything nice for Christmas? Socks, Meltis Newberry Fruits, Mad Lizzie fitness video? I must say, I was rather surprised by my Mandarin-speaking humanoid robot. Conversation around the dinner table was a little bit limited due to his inability to speak English, let alone with a Black Country accent,.but I'm told this will all be easily sorted in time for New Year's Eve when he's had his UK market software update.

Ok, I may have made some of that up. Mainly the bit about me having the humanoid robot for Christmas. But if a rather scary report by the Royal Bank of Canada is correct, we could all be seeing them very soon. The report warns that within the next 25 years, the market for these monsters could be worth nearly £7 trillion. Or to put that into a context you might understand, about twice the UK's total GDP.

Of more immediate concern, it reckons they will be part of our households within five years, while I'm still working out how to use the electronic programmer on the new boiler. Report co-author Tom Narayan says that by 2050 there could be hundreds of millions of them. Where are they all going to live? I bet they'll put them in hotels. 

You also have to wonder what are the motives of the people who will buy these things. I can understand why the Japanese may want them, they can use them as a sort of easy maintenance Geisha girl, which doesn't need feeding. Yet according to the report, the main market will be in China, so you can see why Trump is getting nervous. And you can bet Putin's got an order in too. 

I suppose that means we really ought to start building our own army of humanoid robots, before we are over-run. That's what the future has in store, vast armies of robots fighting one another over territory, like a particularly bad episode of Doctor Who. 

*****

Nigel Farage has said the BBC is in no position to criticise him over comments he does not actually remember making at school, because at the time he didn't recall making those comments, the Beeb was screening the Black-and-White Minstrel Show and Alf Garnett. 

Which I thought was a bit harsh. On Alf Garnett. 

By sheer coincidence, I was watching an old clip of one of his later shows a few weeks ago, which was set during a test match. Yes, the language was a bit fruity, and the jokes would invariably attract a trigger warning about 'outdated attitudes and stereotypes' were it shown on television today. 

But essentially it was about a loud-mouthed old white man, his gay, black home helper, a Pakistani Muslim shopkeeper, and an elderly Jew, sitting in Alf's garden watching cricket together.

If only today's society was as integrated and harmonious as that.

Happy New Year to you all.