Mark Andrews – A renaissance in city centres, a shortage of baristas, and the Bash Street kids go for woke

A few years ago, the comic called in a bunch of busybodies calling themselves Inclusive Minds – the same people who have spent recent months ruining Roald Dahl's books – to make the strip more reflective of modern 21st school life.

So we now have a girl called Mandira who suffers from anxiety, to raise the profile of mental health problems, and science buff Rubi who suffers the double misfortune of not only being confined to a wheelchair, but also having ginger hair as well. Inevitably, Fatty and Spotty have been renamed Freddy and Scotty. And instead of walloping the kids with the cane, the teachers are now 'sympathetic and nurturing'.

I do think, though, if they truly want to make the Bash Street kids representative of modern schooling, there are a few other tweaks that need to be made. For a start, Bash Street would now be in the heart of a low-traffic neighbourhood, and the kids would all be glued to their mobile phones. There should be a purple-haired character called Jemima who gets up to endless capers gluing herself to public transport and throwing orange paint during major sporting events. And maybe one called Greta who never actually appears because she's always out on strike.

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Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Housing, Communities and Whatever Else, says he will spearhead a "renaissance" in Britain's high streets by making it easier to convert disused shops and takeaways into housing.

Sure, nothing will revitalise our cities more than an empty branch of Dominos being turned into bedsits.

It's hardly a new idea, either. Politicians have been wittering on about this for decades, with few tangible benefits. Aside from the fact that it will simply embed the decline of our towns for future generations, who in their right mind actually wants to live in a converted shop in a failing town centre?

Then again, I can see one advantage of this scheme. Instead of giving MPs a second-home allowance, lets offer them them converted kebab shops in their nearest high street. And see what they make of the renaissance then.

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The Government plans to increase the number of visas for young Europeans to counter a shortage of waiters and baristas.

It seems very strange that we really cannot find enough young people in this country who can hand out menus and make coffee. What's happened to all the sociology graduates?