Toby Neal: Needing a staycation? Here’s a starter for 10

Boris said a little while ago that he is "optimistic" that we could have a summer holiday this year, so it's time to start drawing up your plans.

Get on board and enjoy the ride
Get on board and enjoy the ride

In my capacity as a highly-paid freelance travel consultant, I have been crafting some of the blurbs for much-anticipated breaks that Britons will want to consider as they look forward to those better times.

TRANSATLANTIC DELIGHT

Board the SS Ocean of the Seas at exotic Southampton and sail across the ever-changing Atlantic for six days to see the delights of New York from the convenience and safety of a mooring in New York Harbour.

Enjoy views of the Empire State building, the Statue of Liberty, and much more, thanks to our complimentary binoculars.

Due to pent-up demand cabins are going quickly, so we have had to put up our prices slightly to moderate the rush, but it's still a snip with fares from £24,000 per person in steerage class (gratuities extra).

Vaccinated over-50s only.

TOUR OF BRITAIN

This scintillating cruise starts at Immingham Docks and then takes you on a voyage of discovery counter-clockwise around the coast of Britain, calling in at Leith, Lerwick, Clydebank, Milford Haven, and Bristol, before terminating in the historic port city of Plymouth, with coaches provided to take you back to Immingham.

No passports or visas are required.

Vaccinated over-50s only.

THE WONDER OF WALES

This self-drive day out takes you to the spectacular waterfall of Pistyll Rhaeadr where you will see at close quarters why this marvel of nature in the wild and lonely shadow of the Berwyn Mountains is such a popular destination at the moment, reached by a picturesque and narrow rural road – not that you'll be wanting to do a U-turn after setting out to see this little gem.

Make sure you arrive early to snap up your picnic spot, because if you leave it too long there will be no space left.

Parking may be an issue, so a convenient parking area is being provided at nearby Oswestry, after which the waterfall can be accessed after a brisk and invigorating walk.

Don't worry about finding your way – just follow the crowds.

All ages.

LOVELY LOCH LOMOND

For the more adventurous types Loch Lomond in the Land of Nicola beckons, a place of romance, beauty, and Scottish nationalism.

Be aware that Nicola may be on duty at the English border to check your paperwork, unless you are driving a van of money being dispatched to prop up the Scottish economy and newly-moribund fishing industry.

All ages.

BOURNEMOUTH BEACH

The ultimate getaway. Sand, sea, sun, and no social distancing.

Forget your cares, grab your bucket and spade, and head for this part of the sensational south coast with the ultimate confidence in having a great day out, as 100,000 people can't be wrong.

All ages.

BLOGGER BOGNOR

As above, but all done online.

CAPITAL IDEA

London – The sights, the sounds, the shopping... Sample the atmosphere of a vibrant European city.

Not suitable for Brexiteers.

ROMANCE OF FRANCE

With your loved one by your side, there is nowhere quite as captivating, magical, and entrancing as the French capital.

After a relaxing six hours making sure your EU paperwork is in order, board your flight at an airport near you, put on your face masks, and soak up the unfolding landscape below as you fly across the Channel and have a majestic grandstand view from 25,000 feet – that's 7,620 metres as you're in France now – of all those classic Gallic landmarks, from the Eyeful Tower, to the Ark of Triumph and the city's famous Tileries.

Peer down and imagine President Macron looking up at you – you may wish to give him a traditional salute through the window.

Be aware that the overflight may be curtailed if successfully intercepted by Mirage jets. Champagne – the English equivalent, of course! – will be served during the flight.

Over 18s only. French-speaking discouraged.

TIPTON & DAWLEY

This bostin' twin town extravaganza is not to be missed.

Meet friendly locals who greet you with "Ow binya, aer kid?" and "Ow bist?" Discover for yourself why the Black Country town was marketed in the 1980s as "Costa del Tipton."

Enjoy a dip in one of Tipton's many canals before enjoying a snack of pork scratchings as you admire the statue of the Tipton Slasher, a local bare knuckle boxing champion, and then catch the coach to Dawley where you will climb the challenging Dun Cow Bank peak, which offers breathtaking panoramic views from the summit of the old Paddock Mound.

All ages.

AMAZON ADVENTURE

No need to ring us with this one. We'll ring you, again and again, to inform you that you have been included on this wonderful opportunity.

It comes at a bargain price of £12,628 per person, which we'll tell you will be automatically deducted.

Not interested? Then that's no problem, just have a chat with one of our operatives at call centres around the world and give them a few simple details about your bank account and they will make sure that all necessary transactions are made.

This is a truly unforgettable experience which will change your view of the world, of humanity even.

And if you pass it up on this occasion, remember, there's always another time, as we'll keep ringing. Again. And again.

Specially targeted at older folk with plenty of disposable income and savings.

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