Political column - May 10

Their innovative suggestions of a way forward are now being urgently studied.

We have had a sneak preview of the pupils' findings and recommendations.

THE IRISH BORDER QUESTION

This is a very important issue which will be dealt with by the creation of a Ministry of Irish Border Monitoring with its headquarters in Portrush High Street (as will become clear, there is no requirement for it to be anywhere near the border).

There will be two staff, one of whom will be the cleaner. The role of the chief and only monitoring officer will be to look the other way while mass smuggling goes on.

This will ensure frictionless trade and uphold the age-old traditions of the Irish border with its hundreds of rural crossing points.

If the EU questions these arrangements, it should be told that we are trying our best and if it can do any better it is welcome to send over hundreds of border guards from Brussels, and pay for them.

IMMIGRATION

Somebody will be detailed to stand at the entry point at Dover with one of those hand-held clicker counters. As people come in he or she will count them. On reaching 99,999 - to comply with the government pledge to bring numbers down to "tens of thousands" - he or she will put up a sign saying "Full."

THE DIVORCE PAYMENT

The United Kingdom will agree to pay the EU a £40 billion divorce bill. However, it will simultaneously put in a matching claim for compensation for years of mental cruelty during the "marriage."

FREE TRADE ARRANGEMENTS

The United Kingdom will make a generous and comprehensive free trade offer to the EU. We shall magnanimously permit EU nations tariff-free access to the UK Single Market, but it will be conditional on the EU magnanimously allowing the UK tariff-free access to the EU market.

When this offer is inevitably rejected as it does not comply with Michel Barnier's determination that the British should, in his words, be "taught a lesson," our magnanimous offer will be withdrawn and our trade negotiators will sit and say precisely nothing and see what happens, while watching wildlife programmes about lemmings.

THE CONCERNS OF BRITISH BUSINESS

Leaders of British industry and enterprise will be invited to a pep talk at 10 Downing Street, which should be given by Boris Johnson.

Boris will wave his arms about and make obscure classical allusions, but will be determinedly upbeat about the prospects of the UK outside the EU.

It will be made clear to business leaders that their patriotic duty is to listen politely and afterwards sound inspired about all the opportunities which will open up post-Brexit for trading with places like Fiji and Trinidad & Tobago.

Should any complain, Boris will inspire them further by drawing on a quote by Stalin, who famously said: "How many divisions has the Pope got?" In a similar vein, the response to any worries about the consequences of Brexit from business leaders will be answered with: "How many votes did you get in the referendum?"

POLITICAL DYNAMICS IN WESTMINSTER

With the Queen's birthday honours fast approaching, there are a number of MPs who have so distinguished themselves that they are deserving of a place in the House of Lords, being nominated by Theresa May. So hail Dame Anna Soubry, and the new Earl of Streatham, Chuka Ummuna.

THE YOUNG AND BREXIT

Terms like "young" and "old" are now, er, old hat. "Old" people can feel "young" and vice versa. Therefore age will be deemed to be not a matter of chronological years, but of self-identification.

ANOTHER REFERENDUM

Devise an app and have an online referendum every week. Alternatively, there will be a mass programme of re-education to ensure that those who vote in a second referendum are better informed than the thick lot who "didn't really understand the issues" last time.

THE CITY

Make it a Special Administrative Region, like Hong Kong.

CAKES POLICY

If you have a cake, you should eat it.