Political column - November 1

"Welcome to Oxford University. Or, as we say in Europe, bonjour.

"Oxford University has been a seat of learning, education, and intellect from even before I became its Chancellor.

"But let me introduce you to the panel.There's a Tory minister. A Labour shadow minister. Sir Vince Cable. And a token wacky academic or journalist."

Polite applause.

"The first question please."

"Hello. Tens of thousands of jobs under threat in the City. The pound plummeting. Dire economic forecasts. Is it not time to call off the whole Brexit madness?"

Sustained applause, cheering, whoops from the audience.

Lord Patten: "Now that's a very good and intelligent question. Malcolm Truss-Winkle?"

Tory minister Malcolm Truss-Winkle: "Nobody campaigned harder for Remain than me. But let me make something absolutely clear. We are negotiating for the best possible deal."

Labour shadow minister Monica Spart: "The questioner is right! We are heading for absolute chaos. The Prime Minister doesn't know where she is going, the Cabinet is arguing among themselves, and they are all thinking of their own advancement. The Government's policy is a shambles."

Lord Patten: "So what would Labour do?"

"Under Labour we would talk with our European partners. We would negotiate properly. And what we would get is the best possible deal, a deal which will protect jobs. It will not be no deal. It will not be a bad deal. Labour will achieve a deal - the best possible deal."

"Sir Vince?"

"We are Liberal. But most of all, we are Democrats. We respect the referendum result. But the British people did not know what they voted for. MPs should show a lead and keep us in the EU and stop all this damage."

(The wacky academic/journalist's contribution is an anecdote and a joke.)

Lord Patten: "Thank you. Our next question."

"Hello, I'm Jeremy Kwaffell-Haigh, a Tory MP nobody's heard of. What should British universities teach about European affairs, with particular regard to Brexit - and who are the people teaching it?"

At this point members of the audience gasp. A distinct chill descends on proceedings. For several seconds there is complete silence.

At length Lord Patten sternly declares: "How dare you! I will not allow that question."

Adopting an air of menace, he adds: "I know your filthy game. You are asking that question to get information. And I bet you are going to use that information in a nasty way, you horrible little Tory MP.

"And believe me, I know. I was a Tory MP once! I can read your mind and how you are thinking. You want to challenge us, question us, and you might even have the gall to suggest that what we are saying is wrong.

"This is sinister Leninism and McCarthyism.

"Well I tell you, Mr Kwaffell-Haigh or whatever your name is, that the sort of people up here on the panel with me are people of influence and responsibility. And it is asking questions like this which undermines public trust in our work and make it difficult for us to govern.

"Please sit still while I call the state liberty police so that in the name of freedom of speech they can come and arrest you.

"I noticed that one or two people in the audience applauded after you asked it, and these associates will also be rounded up in the name of liberty.

"All this country's troubles have come from questions. What moron asked the British people if they wanted to Leave or Remain in the European Union? ('David Cameron,' calls out a helpful voice from the audience).

"All I can do is repeat what I said in an interview a while back. I think referendums are awful. They undermine Westminster. Letting British people have a direct vote on an issue is fundamentally anti-democratic in our system and I wouldn't have anything to do with them. It should all be left to the MPs. The late and great Julian Critchley used to say that, not very surprisingly, they were the favourite form of plebiscitary democracy of Mussolini and Hitler."

(Quick diversion to mention that Julian Critchley used to live in Ludlow).

"The people were misled and the BBC shares the blame. It was excessively deferential to Leave. And they call that fair coverage!

"What do you have to say for yourself, Mr Kwaffell-Haigh?"

Kwaffell-Haigh shuffles nervously in his seat as he awaits the arrival of the liberty police, before blurting out: "I was only asking because I wanted to invite them all to a party."