Ideas on tackling these nuisance calls

Regarding what to do with nuisance phone calls can I suggest the following:

1. Answer the phone saying: “All calls will be recorded for training purposes and sending on to the advertising authority for possible prosecution”.

2. Keep a recording of “The Laughing Policeman” by the phone ready to play.

3. Remember the person making the call is in a worthless occupation and is sitting on the other end of the phone with their pants on their head.

4. Answer the phone saying: “Thank you for ringing the President Trump’s UK re-election donation line, please send your cheque to the US embassy in London.”

5. Answer the phone and just say you cannot talk now as you are half way through an interview to become the next Manchester United manager.

6. Ask the caller if they have ever considered double glazing.

7. Play the Hallelujah chorus from Handel’s Messiah when they say who they are.

8. Unfortunately these days when the phone rings think negative, get caller ID and be brisk with them.

9. For the move adventurous reply you could shout from a distance at the phone saying, “I cannot come to the phone at the moment as I am tied to the bed and covered in strawberry jam.”

10. If desperate play Roy Wood’s “I Wish It Could Be Xmas Every Day.”

Peter Steggles, Longnor