This rum lot must pull up their socks

It has been a typically rumbustious term with some of the usual shocking behaviour by many of our pupils. They really are a rum lot - the worst we've had since the last intake.

We hope for better things in the autumn term. We always were optimists.

................

HEAD GIRL THERESA MAY

What has gone wrong? Theresa seemed to be doing so well. Studious, serious, she was a model of stability for the whole school, and we had high hopes for her.

Her results in the examination on June 8 took everybody by surprise, including her. Overconfidence and lack of preparation may be factors in her woeful showing. Yes, it was a pass, but she scraped through when she should have soared.

If Theresa is to enjoy any sort of career she needs to pull her socks up fast. But it looks like this setback may have knocked the wind out of her and we are not sure whether she can recover.

A lot of her classmates have been supportive. Well, we have to admit that they have been supportive to her face, but you know how nasty and devious children can be.

Her position as head girl is under threat. At this rate she may soon have to learn how to put the bins out herself.

JEREMY CORBYN

Jeremy has surprised us all. He has long been a rebel and a scruff, and the despair of the staff common room.

The general consensus was this: That boy will never come to anything!

Apart from anything else he has defiantly broken all school rules of taste and convention by growing facial hair, which on somebody of his years has to be considered very dubious, and in his time here he has broken every rule of school uniform.

Very much an outsider and one to plough his own furrow, then.

What amazed us in the June exam is how well he did despite a complete lack of revision. In the lead-up we asked him as a test a very simple question and he was unable to answer it. He wasn't even able to find the switch on his iPad to cheat.

Everybody in the staff common room would have put money on him proving to be a dismal failure.

While it is true that they would have won their bet, as he did indeed fail, he failed gloriously. This has to be put down to exam technique.

He has smartened up his act in all sorts of ways.

As a result he is superficially popular with his peers who for now are willing to play his games, but we have a feeling that this is all for show and they don't like him really.

TIM FARRON

Things have never been the same for Tim after his classmates discovered that he is a Christian. They have since chanted "weirdo, weirdo" at him at every opportunity. To be honest, some of them had also been chanting that at him even before discovering he was a Christian.

We will not tolerate bullying in the school, but in Tim's case we have turned a blind eye because he gets up our nose.

Tim has been very upset by it all and has stepped down from any position of responsibility at the college. An older boy called Vince is being lined up to take over. Vince thinks he knows it all. He's in for a shock.

JOHN MCDONNELL

We love John! We call him "The Undertaker." He is always so smartly dressed and has such lively views.

In class debate the other day, he suggested that all teachers are capitalist lickspittles and oppressors of the working classes. During a period of rain he made the argument that bad weather was engineered by Donald Trump and financed by the Tory party. He wants to bring the tuck shop into public ownership and has taken to collecting taxes in the playground from the "rich kids."

BORIS JOHNSON

Every college has a class clown, doesn't it? To be fair to Boris, he has tried to live down this reputation. But now we think he's a clown in a suit.

He's probably very clever really. He disguises it well.

NICOLA STURGEON

We just don't understand Nicola at all, and it isn't anything to do with her accent. She shows no desire to fit in. As the Westminster crowd play all their games, she stands alone, aloof. We have been twinned with an international school for 44 years but we gave the kids the vote and they decided by a narrow majority to end the arrangement, but Nicola just can't accept that and in all fairness there are some other children who agree with her.

She keeps saying she wants to be independent. But then she says she wants to be a member of that foreign gang. It makes no sense.

If it happens we will be sad to see her go. Or at least some of us will be.

DAVID DAVIS

A bit of a dark horse and may be one to watch. There was a fight in the playground the other day with a tall and rather austere lad called Hammond.

All their close mates gathered round shouting "fight! fight! fight!"

We got the impression that they wanted them both to lose.