Mark Andrews: The mysterious powers of Peter Mandelson, and arguing with an AI chatbot about a vacuum cleaner filter

Is this really the end for Peter Mandelson? Exiled from the Labour Party, no longer sitting in the House of Lords, and now facing a police investigation, this is surely one of the biggest falls from high office since John Stonehouse. 

If he really did hand crucial secrets to a convicted paedophile in exchange for money and freebies, it is hard to see how he even he, the most unashamed of comeback kings, can really recover from this one. Particularly as allegations are now emerging that Epstein may have been on the Russian payroll. It certainly puts Partygate into perspective.

Inevitably, people are asking why Sir Keir Starmer appointed him US ambassador, although those more cynical than myself might suggest the whole affair makes Mandelson ideally qualified for dealing with Donald Trump. 

But the Prime Minister is hardly alone in his misplaced loyalty to the Prince of Darkness, is he? Both Tony Blair and Gordon Brown were somehow bewitched by his mysterious powers, and of course only a couple of months ago Mandelson was caught taking a crafty leak in the street following a night at George Osborne's house.

The real mystery, though, is why do supposedly savvy and experienced politicians keep falling under his spell? I see no great talent for oratory, his constant need for handouts hardly suggests great financial acumen, and his most memorable contributions to government are the Millennium Dome and the Horizon computer system. So what is this talent that makes him so indispensable?

One can only assume he has must have a rather mesmerising and hypnotic personality.

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One caller to a radio phone-in asked whether, if guilty, Mandelson's misdemeanours amounted to treason. Well the answer is no.

The offence of treason was abolished on September 30, 1998, by the Crime and Disorder Act. Peter Mandelson was in government at the time. 

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A couple of weeks ago, I found that I needed a new vacuum cleaner filter. And guess what? I still do. 

Now in sensible times, I would have gone along to the local indoor market or hardware shop, and paid a slightly inflated price for a replacement. 

Not anymore, such retailers are long gone, everyone prefers to shop online now, don't they? So I found one on a well-known website for a very reasonable £6.99, and three days later it arrived. The wrong one. Trying to raise the problem with customer services involved talking to an AI chatbot, because nobody answers telephone calls these days, do they? It told me to post it back.

So I packed it up, and made on online booking with a courier service. Only to find, once it had taken my money, that I needed a printer to produce a label. Given that my only internet access was via the phone, this was somewhat problematic. Two days of conversation with some more AI chatbots eventually resulted in my payment being refunded. 

I then went to the Post Office, where I was charged £4 for the cheapest service to return a £6.99 vacuum filter. I'm still waiting for the replacement, and will presumably have to communicate with some more AI chatbots to remind them. 

We keep being told how online shopping and artificial intelligence makes our lives easier. They don't tell us that you end up using a dustpan and brush.