I can't be the only one out there feeling this awkward

Don't believe the likes of Glee or Twilight, the shy, gawky girl does not win the heart of the hunky quarterback or the fittest vampire in town. If only.

Nor does she cast off her glasses and sensible shoes to become a bodacious babe, all bouncy hair, push-up bra and tummy tighter than Jimmy Carr's wallet.

Hollywood high school movies have lied to you.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it's true.

Don't worry, they've lied to me too. Damn those fibbing purveyors of make-believe.

The fact of the matter is, if you were an awkward teenager, chances are you're an awkward adult.

I know I am.

The only teen movie transformation I've ever experienced has already gone down the pan.

It involved that most vital of Hollywood assets: teeth. My gnashers as a child simply failed to fall out and so I muddled through life resembling a small, pony-tailed shark, boasting row after row of pearly whites.

Injections, braces and retainers followed and, for a short period of time, I was blessed with a set of teeth that made Cheryl Cole look like Shane MacGowan.

But that was then and this is now.

These days, they're all higgledy-piggledy again and a rather fetching shade of 'black coffee meets red wine'.

See? Rubbish. The dream was over before it began.

I also remain as awkward today as I did back in the days of double maths, double denim and Double Trouble.

So awkward at times, I lose the ability to breathe, walk or speak. Please tell me I'm not alone on this one.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who becomes so aware of their breathing while in a quiet room, they lose the ability to and almost faint.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who, when tasked with walking from one side of the office to t'other, suddenly loses all control over their legs.

"What's the matter Liz: Pins and needles? Broken toe? Drunk at work again?

"Nope, just trying to walk in front of other people."

Pathetic isn't it? But that's how it's always been and, I suspect, that's how it'll always be.

When the trick and treaters came to the door last week, my boyf had them all in fits of giggles with his "Eek, don't you all look scary" schtick.

I tried exactly the same approach but it came out all clumsy and cold. They looked at me as though I were a freak. Even though they were the ones dressed as pumpkins and pirates. Ruddy hypocrites.

Well, sack it. I'm can't even be bothered to try any more. I am what I am. I'll never be bubbly, I'll never be cool and I'm too tired to even try.

I'm going to slink off back to the sidelines where I belong. Back to silence. Back to solitude. Back to Black.

I'm sure I'll see a few of you there.

Don't worry, I won't speak to you.