Matt Maher: England aren’t bad... they’re just so boring!

Message from a friend: “I’m not confident already, watching this start.”

The reply, sent two hours later following the 0-0 draw, asked if they’d ever considered a career in clairvoyance?

Not that you need to be Nostradamus to sense trouble where this England team is concerned. Or play against them. There might not be another outfit at Euro 2024 so easy to set up against.

In what has mostly been a terrifically chaotic, fun tournament, England have assumed the role of party bore, sitting in the corner eating the blandest food from the buffet and having no knowledge of the new music which has everyone else up on the dance floor.

“Are they still going on about putting six past Iran? How very 2022.”

To this point England have not so much been bad, as boring. For a team who attract their largest audience every couple of summers, that is almost a bigger problem.

A few idiots might have decided to throw beer cups at Gareth Southgate in Cologne. Back home, more will have demonstrated their displeasure by switching over to Love Island.

Southgate, the man who brought the nation back in love with its No.1 sports team after the embarrassment of Iceland and Sam Allardyce’s pint of wine, is now the lightning rod for frustration.

There is a noticeable apathy. Plans to watch Sunday’s second round match against Slovakia are being made with reluctance.

Perhaps it should be no surprise.

Eight years is a long time to be in a job half the country thinks it could do better.

And yet just at the tournament which should mark the culmination of all Southgate’s previous hard work, there is a sense things may be unravelling.

This England team look unlike any other of his reign, less ponderous, than entirely unenthused.

Slovakia may be a revitalising moment. It could also be an ignominious end.

The minimum requirement? Just give us something to cheer.