Peter Rhodes on old fillings, apple crumble and a sudden fad for land grabs

The second quarter of the 21st century looks like an age of land grabs. Putin thinks Alaska still belongs to Russia while Trump has his eyes on Panama and Greenland, and has suggested Canada would be happier as the 51st state of the USA. Meanwhile, Denmark is stressing its ownership of Greenland and China insists Taiwan is its property. This might be the time for Trump to do something that would end the war in Ukraine, cheer up the Russian people no end and make the world a safer place. Buy Russia.

Why should Britain be left behind in this race for territory? There is one tiny corner of France that was ruled by the English for more than 200 years, still has an English feel and would make a cracking little British colony, just like Gibraltar. Calais, arise and be an enclave.

We could perhaps ease the Calais deal by offering part of our own territory in exchange. I have in mind somewhere where English rule is resented and the people yearn to speak another language. So we get Calais and the French get Wales. What could possibly go wrong?

Occupying land has always been an obsession for politicians. Some years ago I was dispatched to Resolute Bay in the Canadian High Arctic, one of the coldest inhabited places on earth. It was virtually deserted until the 1950s when Inuits from Quebec were resettled to stamp Canada's claim on the territory. A government official told me darkly: “If we weren't here, the Norwegians would be.” Frankly, I've heard worse threats.

New Year dessert tip. Make an apple crumble using a bed of stewed apples topped with crumbled-up mince pies. This makes a delicious pudding. It is exceedingly low in calories (only one of these statements is true).