Peter Rhodes on chain gangs, a woolly hedgehog and a sea urchin in deepest Oxfordshire

And then I recalled an incident from my infant-school days in Oxfordshire. Aged about six, I found a spikey thistle head, put it in a jam jar of water and told Teacher it was a sea urchin. For some days it took pride of place on the classroom nature table and, as far as I can recall, no-one ever asked how a sea urchin came to be in Bicester. I take two lessons from these stories. The first is that we humans have a deep and admirable instinct to rescue and care for other creatures, even improbable creatures. The second lesson is to be very wary of six-year-olds bearing gifts.

Curious, isn't it, how all the “tough on crime” promises failed to appear during 14 years of Conservative rule but suddenly pop up in the final few weeks before the General Election?

Justice Secretary Alex Chalk has revealed plans for what the Daily Telegraph helpfully calls “chain gangs” of offenders. Clad in hi-viz jackets, these miscreants will clean up graffiti, fly-tipping and vandalism. Grrr, that's tough. And what could possibly go wrong?

Well, for a start we already have gangs of blokes in hi-viz jackets cleaning public places. They are called council workers and they will not be happy to be mistaken for crooks.

Secondly, in an age when one brainless, mischievous tweet can lead to murder, how do we prevent idiots using social media for messages such as: “Them blokes cleaning the kids' playground are all paedos, innit?”

And thirdly, of course, the lawyers will be waiting to pounce on any alleged breach of human rights, privacy or civil liberties. One bunch of lawyers creates a “tough on crime” policy and then another group of lawyers shoots it down. And it all makes work for m'learned friends to do. . . .