Monster Raving Loony Party's small boats proposal unlikely to be taken up by anyone else

It has only one proposal that seems unlikely to ping-pong between the House of Commons and House of Lords.

It wants the dinghies that carry refugees across the Channel – a perilous voyage – to be recycled and the rubber used to fill potholes.

A flippant suggestion in the light of recent tragedies, but one, Loony spin-doctors say, that would reduce lives lost at sea and on our roads.

It encapsulates the philosophy behind the party’s madcap manifestos.

They are all tongue-in-cheek, but aim to shine a satirical spotlight on real concerns and real injustice.

In this case, the death and extortion exacted by people smugglers and the decay of our highways.

In his quest for victory in February’s Rochdale by-election, Ravin Rodent Subortna called on Just Eat, Deliveroo and other fast food delivery drivers to strike. The industrial action would ease and highlight the health scourge of obesity.

Ravin Rodent’s other demand was more “out there”. The candidate wants a public enquiry into why the same two teams reach the boat race final each year.

I actually like his idea of introducing a 99p coin to save on change. It could be a goer.

Subortna came last, but received 209 votes, which is a very creditable return for the Monster Raving Loonies. To date only one member has polled more than 1,000: Top Cat Owen walked away from the 1994 European elections with 2,859.

Over 200 Rochdale residents listened to Subortna and thought: “That’s what I want from a political party.”

In a time of conflict and climate change, that’s worrying.

Perhaps they were swayed by the party conference in Belper, Derbyshire. While Labour and the Conservatives hammered out plans for economic recovery at their gatherings, Loonies set a world record for the number of people collectively playing “Eye of the Tiger” on kazoos.

Such a stunt is a shrewd vote-catcher. There’s little you and I can do to change this country’s economic course, but we can all grab a kazoo and play the Rocky classic.

The Loonies don’t care. They’ve been lampooning British politics since 1983 when Screaming Lord Sutch, former rocker and founder, unveiled the party to voters at the Bermondsey by-election.

It is very much a West Midlands political eccentricity. In the 1990s, Cannock musician Mick Hames became party deputy leader. Mick, who died in 2006 aged 53, painted spots on the pub he ran, the Roebuck, rebranded it the Laughing Leopard and declared the place HQ to the Loony Party.

I attempted to interview Screaming Lord Sutch there – and became the source of his entourage’s belly laughs. “Those hands have never seen a day’s hard graft,” one local election hopeful shouted as I scribbled shorthand.

The man ran a mobile DJ business. His hands were not misshapen and scarred by arduous shifts down the local pits, either.

That day, the Loony Party’s forced lunacy got on my wick, frankly.

Sutch took his own life in 1999. Chronic depression was hidden by the clown greasepaint of his political duties.

The picturesque village of Kemberton, Shropshire, boasts one of the country’s few Monster Raving Loony local councillors.

Giles Greenwood had been an independent member of the parish council for close to a decade, but nailed his colours to the Loony mast two years ago.

The 65-year-old explained the reasons: “I have a love of beer and music, they seem to be a fun bunch.

“The other councillors just thought it was a bit of a laugh. One said I wasn’t taking it seriously, but how can you take it seriously when it comes to politics because nothing ever gets done?”

And Giles pointed out it was his party who first suggested passports for dogs. Then, it was considered a barking mad idea, but later taken seriously.

“Mind you,” Giles laughed, “I don’t think our idea of selling socks in triples because you always lose one will get through.

“A couple of years ago, I was on the radio talking about potholes. The presenter asked, ‘how can you stand for a party that wants to replace Trident missiles with three-pronged forks?’ I said, it’s got me on the radio talking about potholes.”

We would not have the Monster Raving Loony Party if not for Lieutenant Commander Bill Boaks, hero of the Dunkirk beaches and the first in a long line of British bonkers ballot box hopefuls. He fought a string of political battles in our region.

Before Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F’tang-F’tang-Ole-Biscuitbarrel chanced his arm in the 1981 Crosby by-election, there was Boaks, a man who attempted to lure voters under a number of guises – “Trains and Boats and Planes” Party, “Public Safety Democratic Monarchist White Resident”, “Air, Road, Public Safety White Resident…”

No matter what the label, Boaks campaigned on one issue. Road safety. He was obsessed with road safety.

He had a dream. He wanted to single-handedly create such traffic misery that the public would shun cars.

To that end, he caused huge tailbacks at Wembley on April 2, 1955, before an England-Scotland game.

Boaks stopped his van outside the stadium and refused to move until every spectator had crossed the road in front of it. The match drew a gate of 96,847. It took a very, very long time.

The public did not share his passion and he was humbled in 18 Parliamentary by-elections. At Glasgow Hillhead in 1982, Boaks made history by receiving the lowest ever number of votes – five.

The Black Country bore witness to Bill’s curious canvassing.

Despite a very high-profile campaign, his Air, Road, Public Safety, White Resident Party clinched a measly 30 votes at the 1976 Walsall North by-election, called following the resignation of shamed MP John Stonehouse.

Political website Kuneblog recalled Boaks’ tactics: “He sat in a deckchair on the A40, tried to have Mrs Attlee (wife of former Prime Minister Clement) arrested and pushed a trolley of bricks across zebra crossings – all in the name of road safety.”

He’d also cycle around constituencies wearing a large cardboard box festooned with slogans.

Yet the serial loser became an inspiration, mentor and influencer to Sutch. He attended the 1983 Bermondsey by-election as the Screaming Lord’s counting agent in 1983. He planned to represent the Monster Raving Loony Party in that year’s general election, but had to withdraw after sustaining head injuries…in a road accident.

Given Boak’s near unhealthy infatuation with highway safety, that’s a little ironic. Perhaps we should’ve listened to him.

He died in 1986, aged 81, from complications that followed a fall from a bus. That’s more than a little ironic.

There have been glorious night for the Loonies, but they are few. The party has always lost its deposit at Parliamentary elections.

At the 1990 Bootle by-election, Sutch famously received more votes than the Social Democrats. Lady Lily The Pink out-performed UKIP in the 2019 Brecon and Radnorshire poll.

Add to the list, current leader Alan “Howling Laud” Hope who was elected unopposed to Ashbourne Town Council, Devon, in 1987 and later became its mayor. Chris “Screwy” Driver also wore the Isle of Sheppey’s mayoral chains.

The forthcoming General Election could be the breakthrough, Alan Hope believes. At the age of 82, he is the country’s longest serving political party leader, taking the hot seat – which probably had a whoopee cushion on it – in 1999.

I caught-up with Alan in Blackpool where he’s currently spreading the Loony message before the seaside town goes to the polls on May 2. Blackpool South will be the veteran’s 34th Parliamentary election.

“Of course the Monster Raving Loony Party is more relevant now than ever before,” he insisted. “That’s what everyone is telling me.

“People say voting for us is a wasted vote. It isn’t. The only wasted vote is the one not used. If you don’t vote at all, Labour or the Conservatives will get in. And remember – there’ll be a General Election within six months.”

For that big one, the Monster Raving Loony Party is planning a major push, with at least 20 candidates attempting to gain seats.

Among them will be Mark Beech, from Pelsall, who has entered the white hot cauldron of a political dog fight before – and been burned. Badly.

In 2017, the 38-year-old attempted to become MP for Aldridge and Brownhills, armed with pledges that included reducing the alphabet to 23 letters by removing N,H,S.

He failed, just as he did in 2010 and 2015.

Back then, the IT engineer said: “Last time I came six out of six. This time I’ll be fourth out of four. I’m getting there through attrition.”

He came fourth, but attracted a surprisingly high 565 votes.

“A single MP has very little power,” Mark added, “so you might as well make people smile.”

He has a point. We’ve been dubbing main-stream parties’ policies laughable for donkey’s years.

At least with the Monster Raving Loonies, you know that’s the intended reaction.

And many readers will support one of its current promises:

“The MOT is an annual test to ensure that your car is roadworthy. We will introduce a ROT, an annual test to make sure all roads are car worthy.”