Shropshire Star

Peter Rhodes on the crumbling lockdown, wooing tourists - and did a queen object to Wednesfield?

Read the latest column from Peter Rhodes.

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Aethelflaed (Photo: Annatoone)

Understanding pandemic-speak. “We must be guided by the science” means “ I really haven't got a clue.”

Look at the roads, look at the parks. Lockdown is crumbling. Memo to politicians: If you even talk about relaxing it, you unleash it.

And now, a Joint Statement by the Tourist Boards of Devon, Cornwall, Wales, Scotland and other pretty parts: “In recent weeks the entirely unfounded impression may have been created that there is some friction between us rural dwellers and people living in urban areas of England. Road signs such as: “English? Turn Round Now” and “B****r off, you Saxon b******s” may have led some to believe that visitors were unwanted. This is entirely untrue and, as things get back to normal, we are happy to put the record straight. The above terms are no more than examples of light-hearted Celtic banter, as is the sign currently stretched across the M4: “**** off back to London, You Scrofulous Cockneys.” Once lockdown is relaxed, we look forward to seeing many thousands of you enjoying your holidays here. (Subject, naturally, to the usual 14-day quarantine period and total immersion in the new Grockle Sanitizer Dip at Exeter).

A reader comes up with an excellent reason why the Battle of Tettenhall was so-called when most modern historians reckon it actually happened at nearby Wednesfield. Lady Aethelflaed, leader of the victorious Anglo-Saxons was a devout Christian who would never have named her battle after Wednesfield, which translates as Woden's Field, in honour of a pagan god. My reader imagines a conversation between Aethelflaed and an aide on the lines of: “Isn't there any other name we can give this battle?” “Well, ma'am, there's this posh place up the road called Tettenhall.” “Oh, I like the sound of that - the Battle of Tettenhall it is."

Now there's an interesting job description. An Aethelflaed aide.

Is it thoughtlessness or is there some deeper nastiness in some sections of the media? A Guardian headline declares: “Breathless Boris is left floundering.” It's hardly surprising he is breathless, is it? He almost died during treatment for coronavirus. So since when has it been civilised behaviour to make light of other people's ailments? I doubt if the Guardian would ever refer to “Blind Blunkett” or “Insulin-injecting Speaker Hogg.” Some in the media have never forgiven Boris Johnson for winning a general election and leaving the EU. Is their bitterness eclipsing common decency?

Having seen the details of the virus-tracing smartphone app, I repeat: what happens to the millions of pensioners who haven't got a smartphone and either don't want or can't afford to buy one? Could they perhaps be issued with little brass bells?

Police stopped a car driver on the M6 near Birmingham after he was seen by another to be, in the coy language we use for such behaviour, “pleasuring himself.” Who says men can't multi-task?

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