Peter Rhodes on cloning icons, trampling daemons and heroes who deserve massive medals

The great wickedness in His Dark Materials (BBC1, Sunday) is evil grown-ups trying to separate children from their souls, which exist as small animal companions called daemons. Realistically, how many of these daemons created by Philip Pullman would survive more than a few minutes after their youthful owners first learned how to walk? A ferret at your ankle is a ferret simply crying out to be trodden on and if a crowd of kids ran past in the street, you could follow their route by the sticky red slick of daemon ketchup.

Back in 1981, a few weeks after Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer announced their engagement, we went to a garden party where the daughters of the house had been transformed. They were wearing floaty, mid-length floral skirts with rather old-fashioned lace-necked blouses. Their hair had been cut into flicky fringes from beneath which they peered shyly at the world. Overnight, they had become Diana-clones and where they led, thousands more girls were to follow. Soon the country was full of flicky-fringed lasses in Diana lookalike frocks. I was reminded of that social phenomenon at the weekend when I was served in a cafe by a slightly-built, unsmiling little girl with braided plaits and not a trace of make-up who got quite shirty when I ordered something not on the menu. I suspect the Greta clones may be coming.

Meanwhile, from the brainless bad-loser department comes this post-election tip by a Guardian reader: “My advice is to find out which party your local small businesses supported, and boycott accordingly.” What a great idea. And if you find a local small business owned by Jewish people, what then, sonny?

The New Year's Honours List will soon be unveiled and will contain the usual quota of civil servants, political chums and celebrities rewarded for little more than doing their job. And what of the New Zealanders who have volunteered to go to the smoking volcanic White Island a to recover the bodies of those killed in this month's eruption? They willingly stepped into the gates of hell to bring comfort and closure to the bereaved. They deserve medals as big as dustbin lids.

From this column, July 2017: “Labour's best hope of taking power will come if the Tories are daft enough to elect Boris Johnson as their leader.” No, you see, that's not what I meant. What I meant was, er, I have been quoted out of context. It was just banter. I wasn't feeling well. Somebody must have hacked my computer . . .

The burlesque performer Dita Von Teese reveals on her latest tour that she demands a regular supply of just-ripe bananas because they are easy to eat when she's wearing a tight corset and red lipstick. This is more fun than politics, isn't it?