Peter Rhodes on unexplained deaths, Mr Hockney's new window and why Moscow won't say sorry

PLEADING for more money, a headteacher on Today (Radio 4) said her school was forced to scrap its target that "every Year Four pupil should be taught to play the trombone." Some may call this austerity. Some may call it a blessing.

A MEDICAL journal reports research into "psychogenic death," which causes otherwise healthy people to die unexpectedly. This being a learned journal, there is much use of long words including speculation about the malfunctioning of the anterior cingulate circuit. I recall a reader describing in much simpler terms how his father, who had not been particularly unwell, died because he no longer wished to live. Or as the son put it: "He turned his face to the wall."

SCIENTISTS have concluded that none of the traditional ways of getting rid of slugs actually works. A reader recalls a trip to a bookshop where he bought two books. One was that classic compendium of erotic positions, The Joy of Sex. The other was 101 Ways To Kill Slugs. As he paid, the checkout lady said brightly: "I've tried all of these and they don't work." Much hilarity in the queue.

DAVID Hockney is a national treasure so his new stained-glass window at Westminster Abbey is automatically hailed by the great and good as a fine work of art which will endure for 1,000 years. I doubt it. In a few decades from now, when Hockney is long gone, it will be denounced as the childish, out-of-place daub it is and quietly removed.

A READER had a check-up at her local clinic and was asked if she'd take part in a "satisfaction survey." She agreed and was surprised when the receptionist presented her with a tablet. No, not the sort you take in a glass of water; the mini-computer variety. As she had no idea how to make it work, my reader declined to take part in the survey, which was a shame because she had plenty of good things to say. Instead, she raises two points. Firstly, how dare anyone assume that everyone else knows how to use a tablet? Secondly, what are the hygiene implications? Isn't a warm tablet handed around a clinic likely to be carrying far more bugs than a clean sheet of paper?

THE case against the Kremlin over the Salisbury nerve-agent incident is looking rock-solid. But even if police produced CCTV evidence of conclusively-identified men in full GUR uniform wiping novichok on the Skripals' door handle while saluting and singing the Russian national anthem, could we expect a word of apology or remorse from Moscow? Of course not. They have been caught red-handed. But because they know we would never shoot down their aircraft or sink their subs, they really don't give a damn. And why should they?

MEANWHILE, there is some discussion online about making a film about two simple Russian lads who go to Salisbury Cathedral and get mixed up in a spy drama. Best title so far: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spire.