Shropshire Star

Peter Rhodes on a moist neighbour, madness at the station platform and Orcas who are proud to be killers

Just call me Killer.

Published
Moist Nick

IN yet another incident which suggests I may be inhabiting a time-warp, some versions of this column a few days ago implied the current Ford range includes the Escort. The Escort was actually replaced by the Focus 20 years ago. I know what you're thinking. Whatever happened to the Prefect?

THE more humid it gets, the more I am reminded of that silly, throwaway and yet unforgettable line from One Foot in the Grave (BBC) when Victor Meldrew's chatty neighbour Nick (Owen Brenman) flips the fence panel aside and asks: "Is it moist or is it me?"

MATT, the brilliant Daily Telegraph cartoonist, produced an excellent sketch of two ferocious sharks off Cornwall. One says: "I can never remember, is it scone, human, cream, or scone, cream human?" Perfect. But I bet Matt endured an anxious few hours between producing the cartoon and it appearing in the paper. It's the dangerous interval we hacks call the lead-time. If anyone had been eaten by a shark in British waters during the lead-time, the joke would have fallen just a tad flat.

INCIDENTALLY, as sea temperatures rise it is not a question of whether someone will be devoured by a British shark, but when. Yet the official line seems to be that sharks are magnificent, intelligent creatures that we should adore and not fear. I prefer Peter Benchley's definition in his great novel, Jaws. A shark is a swimming appetite.

WHILE we're on it, who decided in all the latest nature programmes, that killer whales should suddenly be rebranded as Orcas? They have not gone all huggy-feely, vegan and fluffy overnight and I suspect they not only think of themselves as killers but are proud to be introduced as such. Yeah, technically I'm an Orca but just call me Killer, right?

I BET we all gasped in horror at the image of a father letting his six-year-old child put his head over the edge of the station platform at Trowbridge, Wiltshire. I was reminded of an old friend, a head teacher, who seriously believes no-one should be allowed to have children without first obtaining a suitable licence.

THE father insists the kid on the platform was in no danger. That's not the point. What matters is what could happen next. If you know anything about how a child's mind works, can't you imagine the scene the next time this boy goes to a station? "Daddy lets me do this!" he exclaims brightly, running forward and sticking his head over the edge once again. And those are his last words.

I WROTE on Monday about how liberal politicians encourage multiculturalism which can produce not-so-liberal communities. This may not be entirely negative. There are things we can learn from each other. Consider tattoos. Muslims traditionally take a dim view of tattooing for a number of reasons including the inflicting of unnecesary pain and the ungodly sin of pride in trying to improve your God-given body. Amen to that.