Peter Rhodes on a stupid speed policy, a secret dossier and a poem for lawyers

WIKIE, a captive killer whale in the south of France, has been taught to mimic human speech and can say 'hello' and 'one, two'. But what happens when Wikie says: "Please let me go"?

NO sooner had the Daily Mail accused West Mercia's chief constable Anthony Bangham of planning to nick motorists at 1mph over the speed limit than the back-pedalling began. The National Police Chiefs Council insisted Mr Bangham had not called for punishment for going 1mph too fast. Much relief all round. Enforcing the law in such a draconian, zero-tolerance fashion would be stupid and quite unworthy of any British constabulary.

THERE is a wise old tenet of English law: "De minimis non curat lex" ("The law does not concern itself with trifles"). If every piffling infringement resulted in a conviction it would criminalise the entire population, breed resentment against the cops and make the law an ass. If Mr Bangham had been serious about the 1mph rule, we would have to assume that any West Mercia Police employee taking a biro home from work or removing a paper clip (even one which accidentally snagged on his jumper) would be charged with theft. If not, why not?

THE leaking of a Government document on the impact of Brexit was portrayed on Channel 4 News in cloak-and-dagger style with a dossier marked 'restricted'. This term is not only obsolete but was always one of the the lowest of Whitehall's security classifications. I have seen 'restricted' stamped on instructions for erecting army tents.

I LOVE the word 'dossier'. It takes me back to my days as a trainee reporter. A woman came to the office in tears. Her landlord had evicted her by changing the locks and dumping her furniture in the garden. We researched the case, ran the story and handed the paperwork to the local council who prosecuted the landlord for harassment. A councillor thanked me for 'your dossier' which, at 18, made me feel terribly important.

AS the Remoaners try to spread panic over this hush-hush report, they are missing the point entirely. If the Referendum had been about nothing but money, they might win the argument. But it wasn't. It's about all sorts of things including national pride. There are many Brits for whom Brexit is about identity, not money. That does not make them stupid. It may even make them noble.

I RECENTLY gave one well-used definition of an auditor. A reader says he once heard auditors described as: "The people who arrive after the battle has been lost, in order to bayonet the wounded."

AND finally, it would be impossible to end a column containing the Latin motto: 'De minimis non curat lex' without adding the instructive poem learned by every would-be solicitor on their first day at law school: "There once was a lawyer named Rex / With minuscule organs of sex / Arraigned for exposure, / He maintained with composure;/ 'De minimis non curat lex'.