Peter Rhodes on stroppy pigs and the end of the round pound

NOTHING in life is simple. London's mayor Sadiq Khan plans to create zones where all solid fuels, including wood used in trendy logburners, are banned. And who can argue with that? In a huge city like London, there are clean alternatives such as gas and electricity. But the capital is also famous for its pizza parlours. And how can you bake the perfect pizza without the traditional wood-fired oven? So what began as a common-sense scheme to clean up the Great Wen has turned into an awkward little spat, with an ethnic dimension between Khan and the Pizza, Pasta and Italian Food Association.

FOR younger readers, a wen is a sort of boil. The Great Wen was the term for London invented by the Liberal reformer and country boy, William Cobbett. There are basically two tribes in England. The first breathes a huge sigh of relief when the train heading out of the Great Wen finally reaches green fields and copses. The second tribe breathes a huge sigh of relief at the same place, but going the other way.

AS for woodburning, if you ever doubted that these stoves are a middle-class lifestyle accessory, consider the curious fact that the highest rate of logburner ownership in Britain is in the warmest and most affluent part. The south-east of England boasts logburners in 16 per cent of households. In chilly Scotland it's just five per cent.

FROM a tetchy Guardian debate on wood burning (the issue really divides the nobs from the proles), I liked this reassuring contribution: "The pizza absorbs all the poisons, then you eat it. So yeah, it's fine."

LET me say at the outset that there is nothing remotely funny about ramblers being chased and bitten by free-ranging pigs in the New Forest a few days ago. The pigs were said to be "out for trouble, like a gang of teenagers." But the quote that made me smile came from the bitten walker who explained the background: "I had been warned there had been some friction between the pigs and the ponies." Anyone else thinking of Animal Farm?

THE latest development in matrimony is self-marriage. Described as "a symbolic and feminist act," it brings all the benefits of a traditional wedding (pretty frock, bridesmaids, big party, etc) without the complication of a partner. The bride simply pledges to love, cherish and respect herself. You may mock but self-marriages seem to last. The Times reports that one self-married lady in Vancouver got engaged to someone else but realised it was a mistake, broke it off and remains happily married to herself. Well, good luck to them all, even if their wedding anniversaries must be a tad predictable. "You bought me a what? It's just what I wanted. How did you know?"

MOVING swiftly on, the old "round pound" £1 coin will cease to be legal tender on October 15. Am I alone in thinking this is indecent haste?