Peter Rhodes: Nudity everywhere

FUNNY how even the most useful little buzzwords become tedious. "Peak" is used to indicate something has reached the highest level of its demand. After peak oil, peak coal, peak Tory and peak Corbyn, an emailer inquires despairingly: "Have we reached 'peak peak' yet?"

THERE are lies, damned lies and the tales told by delivery men. I waited in for a parcel which, according to the real-time online tracking program, would be delivered between 12.35 and 1.35pm. Two o'clock came and went and the tracker suddenly updated itself with: "Your parcel has been delivered and signed for by RHODES at 13:22." Lying toads. Turned out the courier had simply left it in next door's porch and no-one had signed for anything. Any similar tales?

THERE is no escape from full-frontal nudity these days, whether on telly's unspeakable Naked Attraction or on stage in yet another production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. In the stage show, Sienna Miller and Jack O'Connell have agreed to appear nude. This reminds the actor and writer Michael Simkins of his first naked appearance, in Guildford. He writes grimly about elderly ladies of the matinee audience "greeting my flailing genitalia with barely suppressed giggles." I was reminded of Sir Ian McKellen's famously nude King Lear at Stratford ten years ago. It was not a brief flash. The knightly equipment - unkindly dubbed Gandalf's magic wand - was on display for ages. You found yourself wondering whether it would be exposed all the way to curtain call. Might it even take a bow? That's the trouble with full-frontal entertainment, especially the male sort. At best it is a distraction, at worst it turns high drama into low sniggers.

AT the last count we are waiting for quotes from two fence erectors, two porch builders and one electrician. It is a familiar routine. You ring, they promise to ring back but don't. You ring again and they promise again. Sometimes they turn up. Sometimes they even seem enthusiastic about the job and rush around taking measurements. And then you never hear from them. Strangely enough, this sort of carry-on is actually good news. It shows how busy the tradesmen of England are and how the economy is still booming.

INTRIGUING headline this week: "Alert as Featherstone Prison given bottom safety rating."

ACCORDING to legend, mediaeval priests would argue about how many angels could dance on the head of a pin. Thank goodness religion has moved on. Or has it? The latest controversy troubling the Vatican is whether, when preparing the bread and wine for Holy Communion, it is acceptable to use gluten-free bread. Latest thinking from Rome is that totally gluten-free is forbidden but low-gluten bread is fine. Rejoice. I dare say in heaven a lot of angels are dancing at this news, some of them on pins. A small, mischievous part of me would like to see Father Ted explaining it all to Dougal.

AS a child I sometimes helped my grandmother prepare the communion wine at a big old Methodist chapel in Yorkshire. The Methodists were teetotal and the wine was Ribena. I daresay we are all damned forever.