Mark Andrews – hypocrisy of the Clarkson furore, building bridges, and a streamlined Santa

Jeremy Clarkson seems to have caused national outrage by saying he dreamed of seeing the Duchess of Sussex paraded naked through the streets and pelted with excrement.

Jo Brand – irresponsible
Jo Brand – irresponsible

Must admit, I thought he went a bit over the top. Something to do with Game of Thrones apparently. But, because I have a life, that reference was lost on me.

However, imagine if Clarkson's comments were about, say, Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson or Donald Trump. Would there be quite such a furore? I suspect not. More likely, the wokerati reaction would have been along the lines of "Go Jezza, go!"

First rule of woke: "hate speech" is fine as long as you pick the right target.

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And if you doubt that, where was all the righteous indignation when comedienne Jo Brand suggested throwing battery acid at Farage? Far more dangerous.

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Concerned about the effects of NHS strikes on patient safety? Fear not. NHS Midlands Partnership is advertising for a 'director of lived experience' on £110,000-£115,000 a year, which will doubtless sort it all out.

What sort of drongo talks about "lived experience"? What other type of experience is there? Unless, of course, they have inclusivity targets for recruiting dead people, which wouldn't be a huge surprise.

The advert seeks an "interpersonally talented and strategic bridge-builder", which you might think makes Abraham Darby III a shoo-in. But he died at 39, so probably lacks experience of the lived variety.

The average nurse, meanwhile, earns £34,000 a year. I'm not a huge supporter of these strikes, but when the NHS wastes £115,000-a-year on posts which seem to exist solely to rub people up the wrong way, you can see why they might be cheesed off.

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A bit of good news. Reliable sources tell me Father Christmas will be coming this year, having called off his 48-hour strike at the last minute.

A spokesman for Santa said a deal was struck in the early hours of the morning, after he dropped his 20 per cent pay demand.

In return, his employer withdrew onerous new elf-and-safety rules, but said it would continue to streamline work practices. The traditional letter to Santa will be replaced by an online booking system, and the reindeer and sleigh will make way for an electric van once suitable charging points are sorted.

Jobs will be lost at his Lapland headquarters, although a number of elves will be redeployed to an industrial park near the M54 as part of the levelling-up agenda, Greta Thunberg welcomed the plans, saying it would cut down on overseas travel.

Merry Christmas everybody.

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