Mark Andrews: Cycling cows, what viewers really want, and proof prisons are too soft

Mark Andrews takes a wry look at the week that was.

Adam Henson – cycling cows?
Adam Henson – cycling cows?

BBC Countryfile presenter Adam Henson stands accused of pandering to the woke lobby by saying "a cow cycles every three weeks like a person".

I can't help but think his critics are missing the point. If Adam has found a cow that "cycles like a person", it should get its own series.

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I just hope the cow is more considerate than some of the person-cyclists. The thought of a 1,600lb Holstein bombing along the pavements on a BMX doesn't bear thinking about.

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This is what people want, BBC

Meanwhile, the BBC is to spend £50 million on consultants to find what viewers really want. They should watch a few videos of Dennis Waterman in The Sweeney and Minder.

Pub landlords were said to loathe The Sweeney because their customers stayed at home when it was on. That is what people want to watch, not ballroom dancing, endless singing shows, drag queens and those weird, viewerless comedies they put on after the news. And if the BBC wants to take up my suggestion, I'm only asking £10 million.

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According to a training session on an NHS website, "microaggressions", such as asking somebody where they hail from, are more damaging than "overt acts of hate".

If only folk were so polite. Speaking as somebody with a mild Midland accent, I find that people – Londoners in particular – rarely ask where I'm from. They tell me. Usually in their best Peaky Blinders voice, laughing uncontrollably at their own wit. And when I say I'm not from the Second City, they deliver an impromptu geography lesson, that anywhere between Oxford and Manchester is Birmingham as far as they're concerned.

Still, getting back to the substantive point, anybody who goes through life encountering no greater hostility than mild curiosity about where they're from should consider themselves very lucky indeed. Check your privilege, I think the saying goes.

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Levi Bellfield

"There is always someone, for each of us they say," so sang Judith Durham from The Seekers. A theory confirmed by news that child-killer Levi Bellfield is about to get married.

It takes all sorts. But Bellfield is serving life for three murders, including schoolgirl Millie Dowler. He has confessed to two other killings, has a history of domestic violence, and, I would venture, is not really pin-up material.

What is also bizarre is that he proposed to the lucky lady in prison, where he produced an engagement ring. I know our prisons are soft, but do they now include branches of Ratners?

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