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Andy Richardson: 'Masks... Glad we’re all in this together'

By Andy Richardson | Opinions | Published:

At last. We can all play Zorro without feeling silly.

We can wield courgettes as swords, providing we socially distance, on trips to the supermarket.

Dressed in black masks, we can channel our inner Superman while deciding whether to buy the on-offer Ben & Jerry’s, even though we know we’ll need to fast for three days afterwards to shift the extra weight.

Today’s the day we’ve been waiting for – actually, it was yesterday, but most people were at work, so we’ll call it today.

We can muzzle-up and hit the town like extras from Reservoir Dogs. Who knew face coverings could bring such joy?

We can remember the labyrinthine rules – wear a mask when you’re ordering fish and chips, but not when eating them: we’ve got this – while reflecting that some major supermarkets won’t be enforcing the rules anyway. Phew. Glad we’re all in this together.

Earlier this week, the Ultra Zorro, Boris Johnson, accused his opposite number, Keir ‘The Hair’ Starmer of having more flip flops than Bournemouth beach. Wait a minute, what’s that noise? Ah yes, the happy sound of a barrel being scraped. When you conjure similes based on your own policy failings then project them onto a man who had zero – sorry, Zorro – involvement in the fandango at a beach, you’re showing the softest of underbellies. It’s time for a new scriptwriter, BoJo, and we know just the man.

BoJo will at some stage resume his rightful position as the nation’s leading figure of fun. After all, he who had a pro-Brexit and an anti-Brext article ready to go, before deciding his chances of becoming PM were greater if he led our great isolationist adventure. Flip-flop, flip-flop.

Having spent the week lecturing pro-nationalist Scots about the benefits of remaining in a political union, the anti-political union PM is figuring out how to avoid a second economic crash when we leave the world’s biggest in a few short months. Good old Brexit.

Talking of soft underbellies, BoJo is also taking a role as Weight Watcher In Chief, having ballooned to 17stone 7lbs when he was admitted to hospital with Covid-19. He wants action to combat obesity – a diet might be a step in the right direction. But talking of flip flops, wasn’t he the libertarian who just a year ago failed against the nanny state and sin taxes on unhealthy foods?

Andy Richardson

By Andy Richardson
Feature Writer - @andyrichardson1

Feature writer and food critic Andy Richardson interviews celebrities, writes columns and hangs out with chefs for stories that appear across all group titles.

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