Shropshire Star

Political column – October 12

Dear Donald,

Published

I hereby, whatever, whatif, and wherefore art thou, formally apply for an extension of the United Kingdom's membership of the European Union until January 31.

This is in lawful compliance with the Surrender Act, also known as the Bill and Ben Act, also known as the European Union (Withdrawal) (No.2) Act 2019.

In making this application, I think I should make some things absolutely clear about my position. There has been fake news put about that I am doing so reluctantly and would rather be dead in a ditch than for the UK to remain in the EU after October 31.

You will understand that there are certain things that have to be said for domestic political consumption, but I have been talking things over with my friend Dominic and I can assure you that I am extremely positive and very optimistic about the opportunities which would become available as a result of an extension of the UK's membership of the EU.

You will agree that there is so much to be done. There has been a serious deterioration in the situation in northern Syria and I shall lead the way as an enthusiastic EU member state in pressing for decisive action on the world stage.

Plans for a European Union Army must be greatly accelerated so that EU troops can be sent urgently on peacekeeping duties to separate the warring factions in Syria. I hope you will appreciate that with the UK being a time-limited member state it would not be appropriate for us to contribute any of the troops, but it would be a chance for other member nations to build on the reputation they acquired in Bosnia.

If when the EU Army is mobilised there are troops any left over, they could play a useful role in peacekeeping duties in the Ukraine.

I know that you will agree that as the EU is seeking a world role and looking to forge a united foreign and military policy we must act promptly in this regard.

Climate change is a major issue of our times and we must be prepared to reduce the number of flights over and between the European Union, with the exception of the UK of course as there's no point in doing something here that will only have to be undone in three months' time. You can count on my full support on this.

With the big things go the small things, so turning down the heating a few degrees in winter at the Brussels headquarters will be a much-appreciated symbolic gesture. We don't expect to be in the EU next summer, but nevertheless it is not too early for us to help you commit to turning the air conditioning off.

And then there is that tricky issue of democratic and financial reforms and necessary efficiencies. These are never popular, but don't worry, I am happy to be the bad guy in all this.

As you know Donald, I am a visionary, a big ideas man, so you can expect me to take a leading role in eradicating needless and expensive bureaucracy at Brussels, and in instituting a critical review of high-level pensions and salaries.

During our three month extension I shall dedicate myself to these long overdue reforms within the EU. These are tough times, and sacrifices have to be made, and I am confident that you will be keen to lead by personal example in this regard.

Democratic accountability is not the easy way – and don't I know it here in the UK! – but this is the future path if the EU is to enjoy the confidence of the ordinary voters who don't vote for it.

I promise that if you give the UK a three months' extension of EU membership I shall work tirelessly on all the above.

I look forward to your favourable reply to my application,

Yours truly and with great affection,

Boris

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Swedish teenage saint Greta Thunberg has brought about climate change.

In this change of climate, older people listen politely with gritted teeth while 16-year-olds tell them: "How dare you. You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words.

"You are failing us. But the young people are starting to understand your betrayal. The eyes of all future generations are upon you, and if you choose to fail us, I say we will never forgive you....

"If you really understood the situation and still kept on failing to act, then you would be evil, and that I refuse to believe."

The underlying premise of all this is that the future belongs to the young. But isn't that age-related chronological imperialism?

Surely the future should be like the Antarctic – it belongs to everybody and nobody.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman go into a bar...

I shan't go on, but anybody of a certain age will be aware that this was a standard format for jokes playing on national stereotypes. But were these jokes racist?

The Leave.EU poster this week featuring Angela Merkel was objectionable on a number of grounds, including taste and bad manners.

Yet those MPs who said that it was racist can only be right if they are suggesting that to be German is to be of a discrete German or Germanic race. As modern Germany is multi-ethnic, aren't they conflating national identity with race?

I am English. But if you think what I have written above is stupid, and call me a "stupid Englishman," does that make you racist?

It certainly wouldn't make me any less stupid.