Political column – November 2

It is though a gift for the headline writers. You know – Yule Be Sorry, the Turkeys Who Voted For Christmas, Diet of Brussels, Boris's Ding Dong Swan Song, Corbyn Stuffed, Swinson Sleighed... go on, make your own up.

Two words for the current crop of MPs. Good riddance. They've left an incredulous public in despair as they failed to earn their £80,000 a year, plus expenses.

They sit for the last time on November 5, a date some might think appropriate.

As soon as Parliament dissolves, they will dissolve. That's how it works. During a general election campaign there are no MPs, just Parliamentary candidates.

There's another good thing about having a general election. Speculation and endless editorialising on the telly and radio will be superseded by more balanced coverage.

This is a factor which I have always thought has not been given sufficient weight in analysis of the 2016 Brexit referendum result, and in explaining why the British people voted as they did.

During the campaign, the BBC and principal television stations were required, that is compelled, to report things on a strictly even handed basis.

It was the first time ever that those advocating the UK's continued membership of the EU found themselves having to put forward a cogent and positive case in the face of equal-time contrary arguments.

The general election seems to have put paid forever to an intriguing prospect that fleetingly arose a few weeks ago, of a Government of National Unity headed by Dame Margaret Beckett, and supported by the Scottish Nationalists, whose price for supporting a national unity government would, as it happens, be a referendum to try to break up the unity of the United Kingdom.

Just about the only thing I remember about Margaret Beckett's time in high government office was an interview she gave to Eddie Mair. After he asked a particularly irritating Mair-esque question, she snapped back: "Don't be stupid."

So she would be a most appropriate Prime Minister for these times, in which the clever-clever politicians (and Scottish judges) are having to re-educate the public.

Indeed, if there is a second Brexit referendum, this creed could be reflected by giving voters the following binary choice – A. Remain. B. Don't Be Stupid.

Boris Johnson thinks this is going to be a general election on Brexit. Good luck with that. That's what Theresa May, with a double digit lead in the opinion polls, thought, and look what happened to her.

Boris is the only leader who can lose in this election. He's going to need to lead the bounciest of bouncy campaigns without fatally falling (or tripping) into a ditch somewhere along the way, and you can be sure that there will be plenty looking to give him a nudge in that direction.

From Labour's perspective, Jeremy Corbyn, in the face of dire personal opinion poll ratings, only has to avoid catastrophe to confound his critics once again.

Spare a thought for the poor party member who is tasked with penning the Brexit policy part of Labour's manifesto. They'll be keeping the Tipp-Ex handy. Expect Labour instead to concentrate on policies promoting a radical socialist vision for the future.

Lib Dems' leader Jo Swinson goes into the election with high hopes following advances during the Euro elections and the clarity of an unambiguous Beckett-style "don't be stupid" message to Brexit-supporting members of the public.

In December, as you go to the polling booths in the gloom and darkness, take comfort in the thought that it's all over at last.

Ha, ha – as if.

By the way, turn the lights off as you leave the house to go to vote. There is a climate change emergency, you know.

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By the time you read this (depending) England will have, should have, won the World Cup.

If they fail to do so, there must be an immediate public inquiry.

Any other result will be a travesty of sporting justice when faced by a South African team whose three-quarters never get the ball because they are not trusted not to drop it, and spend their time having nightmares about approaching Tuilagis.

In this modern bish bash bosh era of the game I do miss the space, and the sidesteps of the likes of Phil, Gerald, and that legendary one by Duckham which was so violent that he disappeared off the edge of the TV screen.

Quite right though that England were fined in the semis. It was rude that while the All Blacks gave the haka, the England team gave them the V.

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Bye, bye Bercow, give the chap a clap.

Under his watch, behaviour in the House of Commons has been terrible, and his egotistical grandstanding has been tiresome, although apparently the Americans like it.

A successful Speaker would be respected on all sides as an impartial referee. Not Bercow, then.

However, his most pernicious legacy has been turning a blind eye to clapping in the House of Commons, despite the longstanding no-clapping tradition.

In life generally, people these days seem quite happy to clap to congratulate themselves. Am I alone in thinking that's absurd? It's down to the influence of my late mum. She thought clapping oneself was akin to something Stalin's commissars would do.

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During the recent flash flooding I watched to see if a similar sized car made it across before successfully attempting it myself.

My brother got stuck in a nearby flood but to my amazement – as I assumed it would be written off – his petrol-engined car completely recovered next day, starting first time.

These days we are all being encouraged to drive electric cars. So what I want to know is this. Are electric cars more vulnerable, or less vulnerable, to floods?

In my imagination they would disappear in a shower of sparks and short circuits, and maybe the occupants would get shocks.

There again, if the engines are sealed, water would not get in.