Shropshire Star

Political column December 14

In an amazing security breach, Toby Neal has intercepted some of the letters sent to Santa Claus by leading politicians...

Published

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Dear Father Christmas,

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

This is the bestest Christmas ever since I moved in here.

I just can't believe it. It's such a turnaround. Things were looking pretty rotten, I can tell you.

Sometimes I wondered why I was bothering to go on. I was so unappreciated and there were all those horrid little whispers behind my back. And all because of one teensy weensy mistake back in June.

I have tried to be a good girl and to do my duty.

I've been doing quite a lot of travelling of late seeing strange new lands and meeting unusual new people. It's such a chore but somebody has to do it.

You have already given me a wonderful Christmas present. I'm still here!

I am looking forward to 2018. But not much.

I really believe in you Santa. Thank you for believing in me.

There are just one or two things I would like to ask for, and not for me (although having another 60 or so MPs would be nice).

As this is a time of year when one thinks of others, I shall think of Boris. Boris has been just as supportive as I would have expected him to be this year.

He is such a loveable chap with his sense of humour and everything. Would you mind sending him a bad taste joke book? How the public would enjoy laughing along with his gags!

And how I would enjoy giving it to him.

Also, I went to borrow a colleague's computer the other day and had rather a surprise when I started to do a bit of browsing on it.

It seems to have some sort of fault. Do you mind sending a new one?

Love,

Theresa

PRESENTS DISPATCHED: 1. Bags of luck (mixed). 2. Another 12 months or so (not guaranteed). 3 A long term promise of a new costume with ermine trimming.

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Dear Santa,

Boris here. Ho, ho, ho.

I think you know what I want.

PRESENTS DISPATCHED: Theresa's suggestion.

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Dear Comrade Christmas,

You are one cool dude.

John and I have been admiring your economic model.

Forgive me for suggesting an improvement. Christmas is a time of giving. But why keep it just to Christmas? Surely in a compassionate socialist society it should be a year-round thing.

John and I have been working on that.

Thank you for all you've done but it is now time for Christmas to be brought under state control and to shut down your offshore tax haven in Greenland.

Just leave your suit at Labour Party headquarters.

Yours,

Jeremy.

PRESENTS DISPATCHED: 1 Tie (red). 2 A new suit (only one previous owner.) 3 An invite as an "old boy" to a reunion at Adams' Grammar School. 4 A good excuse for not going to a reunion at a grammar school.

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Dear Father/Mother/mixed gender/self-identified Christmas,

Has the world gone absolutely barking mad?

It's been a terrible year. But these are the good times as it's going to be nothing to what it will be like next year. And then the year after that is going to be a complete unmitigated disaster.

I am a lone wise old owl warning of impending doom.

When it all turns to worms that'll show them. They'll know that I was right all along.

So what I want for Christmas most of all is for you to get people to listen to me.

Yours,

Vince Cable (Sir)

PRESENTS DISPATCHED TO CHEER VINCE UP: 1 An Eeyore cuddly toy. 2 An EastEnders boxed set. 3 A vinyl record - "Leonard Cohen Sings Christmas."

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Dear Santa.

Let's make it clear. I'm not asking for anything. You're giving. Billions. Now.

Arlene.