Political Sketch - December 7
Take your seats for the panto "Jacques And The EU Talks" which is now well into its hilarious two-year run which has been an international sensation on both sides of the Channel.
Scene One. Enter, in a penguin suit, Posh Dave.
"You'll never guess what I have done," he says to the audience conspiratorially. "I've only called a referendum! The question is to Leave - or Remain. Not me. You'll never see me again!"
Exit right (centre right, to be precise.)
Scene Two. A surreal landscape of a thick and impenetrable wood of giant Brussels sprouts plants into which our beautiful heroine Tremulous Theresa enters.
"Oh poor me, I'm lost and I guess, I need to find a way out of this mess. But look! Just when I need food and water, I can spy the EU headquarter."
This is a vast modern building created on set at enormous expense.
Tremulous Theresa enters and is greeted by The Ugly Sisters, Jean-Claude and Donald.
TT: "I wonder if you would mind looking in your fridge, and giving me a helping of some porridge."
"You have to feed our bears first," chorus The Ugly Sisters.
"Very well, but when I have fed the bears three, there will surely be some left for me."
At this The Ugly Sisters cackled.
"What a funny one are you, you forget that this is the EU. We had three bears but needed more, so we now employ them by the score.
"And while we are seeking to ease the tensions, please can you pay for all our pensions."
Tremulous Theresa: "You do make me frown, I shall huff, and I shall puff, and I shall blow your house down."
The Ugly Sisters laughed so much that they fell backwards, their voluminous skirts flying up exposing their frilly knickerbockers.
"Go on then," they said.
Tremulous Theresa huffed, and she puffed, and she huffed, and she puffed, but she couldn't blow the house down.
"I feel quite weak," she said, before fainting right away on stage.
On strides the high-kicking Desperate Dave.
"Hiya kids," he bellows cheerfully. There is a sullen mumble from the audience.
"Oh, we can do better than that can't we? HIYA KIDS!"
"Hiya, Desperate Dave," comes the muted response.
"Now, I'd like some children to come up on the stage."
Some children comply.
Desperate Dave goes down the line asking their names and where they're from, and what they want for Christmas.
"I'd like £350 million a week for the National Health Service," says one of the more irritating of the children.
"Done!" says Desperate Dave. "Now off you all go, back to your seats."
As they shuffle off the stage he gives a big wink to the parents and says: "I'm always pleased to do something for the 'elfs'."
Desperate Dave is on stage again, holding up an official-looking paper.
"I have just received an important order," he tells the audience. "To solve the problem of the Irish border."
At this point Arlene strides on. She is the pantomime dame, but with a face like thunder, she strangely does not seem to be in character.
"No," she says flatly.
Desperate Dave is unperturbed.
"I do believe that this little hitch, is simply a question of language. And that you do not understand what is meant, by 'regulatory alignment.'"
"Understand this then. **** off," retorts Arlene.
A shocked silence falls on the theatre. Desperate Dave's smile slips for a moment before he chuckles nervously.
Somewhere in the wings soft sobbing is heard, suspected to be Tremulous Theresa.
Without warning, the curtain suddenly comes down and a voice announces on the PA system: "There will be no refunds for this performance."
The audience are getting angry. Boo, hiss.
Then a man in red with a beard climbs on stage carrying a sack.
"To my country, I have to do my duty, by seizing this party political opportunity," he declares.
Then he begins reaching into his sack which is full of money, which he starts throwing to all and sundry in the audience.
"Where did you get the money from Santa?" somebody asks.
"I've got a magic tree," he replies.