Miley's 'sexy' pics sent a shiver down my spine
Cymalon. That's the first thing that springs to mind when I see the new Terry Richardson pictures of Miley Cyrus.
I think they're supposed to be sexy and shocking, but the only thing I think of when I see Hannah Montana giving herself an acute frontal wedgie is "that girl's going to be running to Boots in about 12 hours doing the I-need-a-wee dance".
The pictures, which also feature boobs, bum and an interesting pose with a cola can, are the creepiest things I've seen for ages.
Miley looks like the girl lured to a sleazy photographer's house on the promise of "I can make you a supermodel, daaarlin'. Now, take off you pants."
Mind you, given Richardson's reputation that might just be exactly what happened.
Cyrus looks much younger than her 20 years in the shots and the glimpses of Richardson in the mirror send a shiver down my spine. That barren corridor looks like it could lead down to a Silence of the Lambs-style cellar too.
It puts the lotion on its body. Hmm, I bet it does.
Of course, Rihanna's been at it too this week.
Much has been made of her booty-shaking, pole-dancing, chair-humping Pour It Up video, which, again, what with that denim thong, should probably come with a prescription for antibiotics. Hate to break it to you girlies, but even A-listers aren't immune to a dreaded dose of honeymoon disease. Don't say you weren't warned.
And while I don't think the RiRi thing is as depressing as the Cyrus shambles – sure the video is lazy and far too literal but at least she makes for an authentic bad gal rather than some phony baloney Mickey Mouser desperate to shock – the whole thing is indeed terrifying.
It's been the big theme all week but, seriously, just where is all this going to end?
If in 2013 our pop stars are already naked, writhing and simulating sex, what's around the corner?
Maybe they'll just get rid of the simulation part and really get their groove on?
The pressure these stripped-down superstars are putting on teenage girls is immeasurable.
Young girls are already competing with the plastic-fantastic, up-for-anything women hidden away on the mobile phones of teenage boys everywhere, but now their own musical heroes are encouraging them to twerk, pout and wax to within an inch of their lives.
If Rihanna enjoys going to strip clubs, I must too.
If Miley doesn't mind getting naked, then I shouldn't either.
Well don't believe the hype girls. This is the sort of stuff that eats away at your soul.
This isn't the path to popularity. This way madness lies. And possibly a very nasty rash.
So turn off Vevo, delete the selfie-loving starlets from your Instagram feed and banish those crop tops to the wardrobe floor, it's time you all made a stand.
If Miley and Rihanna want to make idiots of themselves, that's their business, but you're better than that. It's about time someone told you so.
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