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Celebrity Big Brother - but without the celebrities

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Telly Talk: As a journalist you get passed a story every now and again that makes your heart sink so fast it drops out of your bottom, writes Peter Finch.

Telly Talk: As a journalist you get passed a story every now and again that makes your heart sink so fast it drops out of your bottom, writes Peter Finch.

For me this involved watching and detailing the re-launch of Big Brother. Oh no, I catch myself, "Celebrity Big Brother", on Channel 5.

If I had the mental capacity to grapple with the deepest mysteries of the universe my most pressing question would be how a viewer could survive a whole series of this show.

Seriously, what the hell? My brain began to melt and dribble through my nose when Brian Dowling introduced Kerry Katona.

It turned into streams of ectoplasm when Amy Childs (yes her. Who?) stomped up the BB catwalk.

And blow me down if my whole head didn't explode when Jedward popped up and began to rotate around Dowling like demented moons.

This show was cancelled by Channel 4 because they realised sticking people in a box and prodding them until they snapped was boring and lazy reality TV.

I cannot comprehend how this is still considered entertainment, it simply rots the intellect.

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This is not a snobbish rant; I'm not saying this because I'd rather be watching Newsnight.

I just find it genuinely disconcerting people need Big Brother for kicks when more fun could be found sticking forks into a toaster or slapping wet salmon against a wall.

These 11 'celebs' are profiting from our laziness not to demand decent TV. We should feel sorry for them as they prostitute their dignity, but not enough to tune in and observe.

Shows only exist as long as there is a market for them, so I urge any BB fan reading this to please, please, please come to your senses and switch over channels. If not for me then do it for the kids.

If Big Brother has not yet managed to convince you that 2+2 = Sally Bercow then don't watch this tripe.

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