Blog: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Oh dear.

I was toying with writing the entire blog like the sentence above – just a single phrase, ‘Oh dear’, repeated ad infinitum, dripping down the page, forever, as an endless ‘tut’ of my disgust, but I suppose I should add a few words as well. Mind you, it would take a truly great writer, a scribe of genius, to sum up the sheer jaw-dropping, bone chilling, wince-inducing, teeth grinding, lunch repeating, buttock-clenching, nauseating, stomach churning, vomiting, chew-your-own-leg-off, tears-to-the-eyes, sweet-Lord-take-me-now awfulness that is the trailer for William & Kate: The Movie. Sadly, we don’t have one of those to hand today, so you’ll have to make do with me. I’ve got about ten minutes to spare, so I’ll try and knock this off and then have a go at rewriting the screenplay.

Yes, that screenplay: “They met by chance, and came from different worlds. But against all odds … live their own fairytale.”

Apparently our American cousins have spent £3million on this guff. How? How can they possibly have spent that much? It certainly wasn’t on the script, and I doubt very much that dear old Ben Cross charges that much for his services all these years after Chariots of Fire, so how on earth did they manage to burn through that amount of cash? The on-set catering must have been extraordinary.

This is a TV movie set in that wonderful American version of England where people talk in very strange accents and have skin made from 100 per cent wax jacket; where everyone lives in a stately home and has a butler; a version of England that exists only in Hollywood; a story of love and romance that appears to make High School Musical look like The Wire.

Poor old William and Kate. If the producers manage to make money off this I presume they’ll make regular sequels at key points in the couple’s life: ‘Kate & Wills and a Little Lord/Lady’ (depending on the first royal offspring); ‘Kate & Wills and an Awfully Big Argument’; ‘Kate & Wills: You Spent How Much, Woman?’ etc etc etc etc etc…

Say what you like about the royals – they certainly have to suffer for a life of privilege.

• William & Kate: The Movie will be aired on British TV on April 24 and released on DVD the following day. For pity’s sake don’t encourage them.