Letter: Children do not need to know about death
Thursday 10th February 2011, 6:12AM GMT.
Letter: May I reply to the letter “Children must be considered at funerals” (Jan 26).
I say please do not take young children to funerals.
My first experience of a funeral was that of a little classmate when we were both eight. Our teachers had thought it right we should go to his funeral and our parents were guided by them.
I am a grandparent now but, to this day, I have never forgotten the sight of his mother trying to climb into the grave with him.
At 12, my best friend died and the school decided her friends should attend the funeral. I wish I could say at 12 I understood and coped with it better.
At 15, I attended another friend’s funeral and it didn’t get better.
In later years I attended my friend’s husband’s funeral and his daughter had taken his little grandchild who asked, “Is grandad in that box?” She was told “yes” – and had nightmares.
As adults we remind ourselves that’s the way it has to be and come to terms with it. It would be very unusual for a child to be able do that.
We need to explain to children, in the language of childhood, what has happened; that we will not see that person again – or, in the case of some beliefs, that we will see them again one day – and that they are now, wherever the child finds it easiest to accept.
To those who say children should always be told the truth, I ask who and what is this honesty for? The child’s benefit? Or a set of principles which leave no room for the very real fears and uncertainties of childhood?
Name and address supplied
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I don’t agree with you I’m afraid. Each to their own…
I attended my Grandads funeral when I was only 9 (I am now 24). I was given the choice and I don’t regret it. It was a great day where we celebrated his life – as the grandchildren we helped the priest with his words and asked him to mention things that were important to us. I never had nightmares and nothing “crazy” happened, like people jumping in the coffins… I was made to understand what had happened and that Grandad was going to heaven. My little sister (6 at the time) chose not to come but I think it should be explained to a child and give THEM the choice.
At 14, I attended a friends funeral. He unfortunately died in a car crash. Actually, a large proportion of the community was there along with loads of students from the school. It was a brilliant chance to say goodbye to an amazing friend.
As I said, it should be explained and the child given a choice. You shouldn’t lie to children, they know much more than you think.
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I think that you are putting all children into the same category. I know some adults that cannot cope with the emotions of a funeral, but my experience with my own children is far from that.
At the age of nine my son lost his Grandmother, and attended the funeral, and fully understood what was going on and why. A year later when attending his grandfathers funeral, as he now understood what was happening he requested to be a bearer, which we obliged and the funeral directors accommodated. This made him really proud and, I think, helped him accept what was going on. So in my experience taking children to funerals helps them deal with the traumatic situation of death of a loved one, but it should be left to individual parents to make the decision
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I think it all depends upon the age and maturity of a child. My eldest son was only 3 when his uncle passed away, he was not able to understand about heaven or angels. So I decided to tell him the following story, to explain why he wouldn’t be able to see his uncle anymore. He knew his uncle was very ill, so I told him that very special and brave people get to live on stars and the moon makes them better and takes care of them. but they have to stay on their star because if they come back they will be ill again. I told him that when he looks at the stars to look for the brightest and that is his uncle, letting him know he is ok. He didn’t attend his uncles funeral as I knew it would upset him to see his family upset. We also refer to the grave as a “launch pad”
He seems to be contenet with this for now , but if he asks for the truth i will tell him.
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I think it should be the parents decission as to if a child should go to a funeral, the parents know the child and any likely re-actions. Silly to say but Death is part of Life, and we learn about both daily.
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as a muslim we allow children to all funerals where they see the body where applicable…i found they accept death a lot better and understand that it is part of life..By the way, i was born Christian and found our western way of making death seem taboo is so unnatural…we are all born and we all pass away to a better place.nothing to be scared about and we shall all be reunited with loved ones.
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