We are deep in the woods, standing around in boiler suits and crash helmets, excited as grown-up Evel Knievels as we sign our indemnity forms, writes Ben Bentley.

The lake at Center Parcs, Longleat

“So this is what middle-aged quad-biking looks like,” says the bloke to my left, eloquently summing up the scene.

Speak for yourself, granddad. Minutes later we are clinging to our handlebars being bucked about like rag dolls (well, that’s what it seems like) on the quad trail through the woods. I haven’t felt this exhilarated since, ooh, my Zimmer frame last developed a mind of its own.

It’s just one of the brilliantly memorable highlights of our family trip to Center Parcs at Longleat Forest in Wiltshire, and I say to myself, “And to think that instead of this I nearly chose to have a facial.”

If there is one blindingly obvious thing to say about a break at Center Parcs it is that, come rain or shine, it offers something for everyone.

While I am re-kindling my youth by zooming between tree trunks on a motorbike, my family are variously having a sauna, painting egg cups or making necklaces.

My mother-in-law, meanwhile, was last seen heading in the direction of the woods on a tricycle.

Youngsters having fun with watersports

If you want to relax, you can have wax candles inserted into your ears and listen to whale music in a darkened room. If you want thrills, try the aerial ropes challenge. If it’s watersports you’re into, there’s no end of activities on the lake, ranging from kayaking, splashing about on a pedalo, a bicycle that rides on water or a giant tube that rolls across the lake.

At the Jardin des Sports, sporty types can try their hand at everything from a tennis lesson to beating their kids at badminton.

There’s no shortage of fantastic activities to keep the kids happy and occupied.

Our daughters attend an art workshop where they paint (mainly themselves judging by the stripes of blue my two-year-old returns with) and create the mural masterpieces which now adorn our fridge door at home, acting as practical examples of the golden rule of painting – that if you mix every colour of the rainbow together you always, always end up with brown.

Center Parcs accommodation

Our six-year-old daughter is delighted when she returns from a session with a fully working clock painted with ballet shoes. This precious artefact now hangs on our kitchen wall, a ticking reminder of a break we will cherish for a long, long time to come.

But the best craft-based activity is reserved for last. Jewellery making.

My eldest was so excited by the prospect of making her own necklace and matching earrings that she was having dreams about it for days before and days later.

The earrings were good, mind. And in rare gesture of selflessness – and because she’s been told that on no account can she have her ears pierced – she presented them to her mum as a gift.

Mum almost cried with happiness. And besides, she’d forgotten to bring her earrings on holiday. She popped them into her ears and we all dressed up and went for a lovely meal.

There’s a fantastic choice of eateries at Longleat Forest – from the gastro pub of the Grand Café, Indian cuisine at Rajinda Pradesh, American diner-style eating at Huck’s, or an extensive range of takeaway dishes from Dining In.

We opted for the Grand Café, with both my wife and I choosing the quite delicious salmon fillet on a bed of rocket with chips and served with hollandaise sauce, followed by caramelised orange cheesecake.

After a day spent cutting and sticking, it hit the spot perfectly.

One thing that must be mentioned is the excellent customer service. You won’t find that Mary Queen of Shops woman moaning here.

Compliments also to the members of staff who had practically kept our two kids occupied all day. They are brilliant. Our kids still talk about them today.

We take the kids to a teddy bears’ picnic where, while the youngsters get on with proceedings, the adults discuss the relative merits of the Rupert Bear theme tune, old versus new. The consensus? The new one ain’t a patch on what it was in our day.

“It was a proper song then, with a verse, a chorus, a middle bit and an end,” says one dad who proceeds to hum it out load.

Relaxing with a back massage

The kids finish their packed lunches and share crisps with their furry friends before launching into kiddie standards including Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.

After which a surprise guest makes an appearance – dressed unmistakably in yellow checked trousers and scarf and wearing his trademark red jumper, it’s none other than Rupert. Rupert the Bear! Everyone knows his name!

And he’s bigger than you think – bigger than a grown-up, in fact. You realise this when he puts his arm around dad, a life-long fan of the scarf-wearing character, and asks mum to take a picture.

After our day of pre-booked activities, it’s time to cut some slack, kick back and try to do nothing.

We hire a bike each and spend an hour exploring the site, its wonderful woodlands and lakes. If you are thinking of coming to Longleat, bikes are a must – the site is pretty expansive and spread out and wheels are better than legs when it comes to getting from A to B – B often being the Subtropical Swimming Paradise, an indoor waterworld set against palm trees, slides, chutes, and an outdoor white-water course that makes humans wish they were born with gills.

Here my six-year-old, who has just started swimming, experiences the joys of water fun for the first time while my life-jacketed two-year-old masters the mini-slides in the paddling area.

Later, while my wife and mother-in-law soothe away the stresses and strains of everyday life by enjoying all manner of treatments in the Aqua Sana spa, I take the kids on the adventure golf. It’s now traditional in our family that on holiday we belt balls through pipes and windmills and that, reluctantly, I let everyone else win.

Not this time. Suddenly my six-year-old’s hand-eye-ball co-ordination has clicked and after three holes I’m three holes down and although a comeback is staged it is too little too late.

Not to be done for unsportsman-like conduct we shake hands and I do my best to be happy for her.

But there will be a next time. Mark my words.