He says, she says - On no more heroes and trick or treating

Dan Wainwright: The world has been tipped upside down

Reading the news at the moment, it’s as though everything we ever thought we knew about anyone has been turned on its head.

Lance Armstrong, the inspirational cyclist who recovered from cancer to be the very best was exposed as a drugs cheat.

‘Sir’ Jimmy Savile is no longer remembered as a loveable eccentric, but as a predatory paedophile.

It’s as if the Olympics, with all the goodwill and joy they brought, never happened and all we’re left with is revelation after revelation about celebrities coming so thick and fast even Wikipedia can barely keep up.

Jimmy Carr, Ann Robinson and most of Take That are accused of not paying their fair share of tax on their enormous earnings.

Even popular brands like Starbucks, which makes of lot of how it pays farmers a fair wage, are tainted by that. They paid hardly a bean, coffee or otherwise.

The next time they ask my name so they can write it on my caramel macchiato I’m tempted to say it’s “We-don’t-pay-for-the-NHS” – just to make them shout it for all to hear.

But that wouldn’t be fair on the people making the coffee who are just doing their job and paying their income tax.

Google, with its motto of “don’t be evil” was once seen as a trendy and happy sort of company to lead us into a bright new digital age.

Now we find out it’s paid just £6m in UK tax last year it might as well change that to “don’t be evil, because we’re not paying for the police to catch the criminals”.

Let me be clear that I’m not comparing someone who used a drug to win a race or legally avoided all their tax is in any way as reprehensible as Jimmy Savile was.

It’s just that I really don’t know who we can believe any more.

In recent weeks my entire perception of humanity as being basically good has given way to a selfish species of cheats and perverts.

What we need is another Olympics to give us back a sense of pride in our fellow men and women.

They only cost £9bn.

Maybe Starbucks could start a whipround . . .

SLiz Joyce: Read this column or I’ll egg your house!

Misshapen creatures lurk at every turn and there’s menace in the air.

No, it’s not the home crowd at a Baggies match, it’s Halloween – and I for one am as giddy as a kipper. (Giddy as a what? – Ed)

It’s the done thing to whinge about Halloween. People moan about it being an American export designed to make cash and send kids into sugar-induced hyperactivity. Terrifying tales of little old ladies too scared to open the curtains lest their homes be egged by packs of mini Freddy Kruegers do the rounds this time of year.

Well, I’m over all this snobbery and scaremongering.Halloween is good fun – and you know it.

Any event that lets me scoff chocolate all day, be silly and dress up as a zombie or – my last costume – Dappy from NDubz, is fine by me.

Fancy dress is clearly the best bit, but some of you are letting the side down. Yep, girls who insist on being ‘sexy’ ruin it for everyone.

I’m all for funny or frightening costumes (mainly because the witch look isn’t too far from my daily image of pasty skin, scraggy hair and evil laugh) but I draw the line at ‘sexy’.

There’s no such thing as a fit Frankenstein or va-va-voom vampire, so get over yourselves and play the game properly.

You don’t look sexy, you look tarty. And tacky. And ‘try hard’. Let yourselves go; the dafter, the better.

(Errrr, one quick word of costume caution though – make sure people know what you’re meant to be; a friend once went to a fancy dress ‘do’ as Dusty Springfield . . . only to find people thought she was Myra Hindley.)

My main point is Halloween is fun and a nice distraction from the gloomy weather, dark nights and chilly mornings that have descended upon us.

What’s not to like about kids dressing up as pumpkins and sharing sweeties? Or nightclubs filled with dancing Draculas?

Bonfire Night is a never-ending noise fest and Christmas costs an arm and a leg.

When it comes to upcoming jollies, Halloween is definitely more treat than trick.

Now go out and enjoy it – or else I’ll turn you all into frogs . . . mwahahahahahaha!